City bus love song

Recently my car has taken a crap on me. So as I've rode the bus, I've kept track of some of my adventures. So without further ado;

As I sit here on the bus, toes numb, hands froze, nose running, I realize they're always 10 minutes later than their ETA. Part of me what's to come stand out here 10 minutes later, but knowing my luck, the bus would start coming on time. Funny enough, this is only my second time taking the bus. Normally I drive by the bus stop and laugh at the people standing there. How bratty and selfish. I always assumed it was their own fault but here I am and its not my fault. I've got a lot of learning to do. Bus riders, I salute you.

New thought, I'd really like to have a bus.

Day 3 with the bus. Today I wasn't playing around. I brought a blanket and stood out 7 minutes later than usual. Still the bus was 10 minutes late. Maybe I calculated wrong. Anyways, the blanket was a great idea. Just a small knit blanket. I put it over my head and peeked out to see if the bus was arriving. I'm definitely a lot warmer than the other days, but still chilly. However, I feel at home now. Not angry that I'm taking the bus, not upset about the cold. Like I'm heading to a destination where I'm going to do something amazing. Even if it is just the square Starbucks. Today is going to be an extraordinary day, and quite possibly my last day with the bus. Rest in peace 108, rest in peace.

Day 4 with the bus. Well, paycheck wasn't enough for both rent and a down payment on a new car. So I'm waiting til next payday. I guess things could really be worse. Today instead of -6 degrees, it was 30. So its considerably warmer. However I wasn't prepared for all the slush so now my socks are soaked and my feet are icicles. The rest of me is fine though. Minus my hair. It was just barely drizzling so the bit of hair that was sticking out of my hood couldn't be saved. I can't seem to get over how cold my feet are. This must be how brides feel. The good news is, I was supposed to be in at 5:30am today and the buses wouldn't have been running yet. Thankfully, a co worker so graciously switched me so I'm working at 10:30. So a little extra sleep, and I'm making it on time. Thankful for that. The lady finally forced me to take my change card today. I've been refusing because of my hopes that this would only last two days. Now it's real to me, and its gonna be a total of 8 more days that I take the bus unless a miracle happens. Let's just hope I don't become a regular. And hopefully it stays 30 degrees. The lining is silver.

To be continued...

I've returned from my mini honeymoon. The crazy thing is that it wasn't any different. Just a different location. When you're with a man who treats you like every day is a honeymoon, well, when you really take one not much changes. However I must say that 4 days off work was just wow. I haven't had 4 days off in over a year. I've just accumulated some vacation time recently though so I'm thinking about having another vacation. Anyways, I'm actually excited to get back to work, as much as I thought I wouldn't be. I love my job, but it can be incredibly exhausting. While I was gone, two people that I love transferred out. It's amazing how much can change in 4 days. I was discouraged at first but I'm quickly climbing up to the small list of people who have been there the longest. People are starting to look up to me, and I wanna do something with that. Even if the time I have left here at starbs isn't very long. Which I'm still unsure of. But its all one day at a time. I'm not very motivated to post right now but I wanted to make sure I did.

#seeyousoon

I've been trying to update this sucker for quite sometime now.
I know I need to get back into this.
So here's a quick update on my life.
I just got married less than a month ago.
I just celebrated one year at Starbucks.
My sister is having a baby girl.
I've joined the world of iPhone.
I'm trying really hard to starting writing and playing music again.
Neal and I will be traveling soon for his job.
I get to see the world like I always wanted to.
How unbelievable is that?!

As always, I'm still weird, opinionated, awkward, and the slightest bit bipolar. So don't think I'll be boring now that I'm old and married. (Which by the way is AWWSOME! for real guys, after waiting I'm psyched to be blessed with such am awesome man for the rest of my life.)

#seeyousoon

Soap

http://bible.com/116/gal6.14

Catching up on lost time.

Windows down,
Music loud
Rebelling against
Things that held us back

Driving fast,
Coming off the ground
Laughing loud
As my heart pounds

Smiling crooked,
My stomach is jumping
The chip in your tooth,
To me is charming

Spinning fast
Til I'm dizzy
You smile and reach out
Your hand to me

Backing away
As we swing
Too nervous to think
Too nervous to blink

Rushing water
Hearts ablaze
A great escape
First kiss today

Tangled up inside
Eyes so bright
A feeling that makes
Me so alive

Pouring rain
A smiling hint
Leaning on your tailgate
A drenched kiss

A look of distress
Feelings of confusion
Someone in the background
Pushed back from this picture

More than one
A broken family
Can't be fixed
If I stand between

A bittersweet goodbye
Both left with a gift
Something that I
Will never forget

Though time has passed
Memories linger
I won't be angry
But instead be grateful.

Tragedies.

Once upon a mistake
I went and let you take my breath away
The tacky 90's style,
The crooked little smile
Drew me right in

Now I knew, knew what I was doing
Baggage too heavy to drag through this
But it was worth it
Just for the memories

Once upon a chilled summer day
You caught my attention
In an unexpected way
I tried to be distant
But I fell into the quicksand
As you took my hand
We began to spin
And I knew this would be
One of my best tragedies

A month or two with you
Brought me from the misery
I was going through
Late night talks, and drives
And hours at work
You made worthwhile
You were the tune
That stuck in my head
Though I knew it would end
Too soon

This was one of those times
Where it was better to have
Than not to have had at all
As the fall weather nipped at us,
We ran back to the fates
We had come from.

I guess what I've realized is that I'm still here. There's a song by Yellowcard called "Here I am alive", and it describes me. Basically talks about all the hard situations you've faced and how if you could talk to your past self you'd say it gets better and that  you get past those impossible things. And I can get past these impossible things that I'm facing. Even if it's harder than other situations. They always get harder. But I've always made it out.

Here's my probs.
I've got this dude that I've went on a few dates with and he is literally so awesome.
Minus the fact that I have no clue what he wants. He doesn't talk to me outside of the dates.
Which basically gives me the idea that this is done even  though he said he likes me and
wants to see me again. It's been a week and a half. All the texting that was done was done because
of me. So.. though he was so fantastic, I guess it's time to give that up.
Then someone from the past who really hurt me, but I let them go on a good note..
Well they decide to add me on facebook. And that's a huge deal for this person.
They wouldn't add me for no reason. So though I shouldn't over think it, I am.
I'm wondering why he did it. What he wants. What he has to say. I guess being curious
really will kill the Kat. So number two guy who's leaving me clueless. And again,
all I can do is ignore the situation and try to forget the conclusions in my mind.
Then.. we've got the ex. Gosh darn feelings that were there before and come and go.
Only because he keeps pushing it as far as I can tell. We hang out sometimes. And we
have a nice time together. He's just.. so immature and selfish sometimes. Okay, a lot.
And I'm always the adult. And it's frustrating. And he has to have his way. I'm not
saying I'm perfect but good grief I'm trying at least. It feels one sided. Every time
he thinks he's won me back, he stops being awesome. So I don't know.
I guess the moral of the story is this: I have 5 cats. I only need like 3 more and I can become
a crazy cat lady and be single forever. Works for me.
But wait! Maybe I can wipe all these guys off the slate. Why? I just got hired at Starbucks.
You know what that means? Artistic, mature, creative, adult tattooed males that are generally
what I look at. And hopefully a lot of them love Jesus and are total nerds like me.
Though.. I don't want to find more than one awesome guy.
I sound like a crazy high schooler right now.. Ha. I guess all I'm asking for is one guy who
will make me forget all this stupid stuff so I can move on with my life. And I know I don't
need that and that God is enough, but you know how this late night over thinking crap goes.
I don't use logic or reason or anything I know.
But besides the dudes..

My gosh dang parents. I'm never gonna be good enough for them and I don't know why I torture myself by trying. I'm "evil" for getting a tattoo. I talked to God about this tattoo thing a lot. Believe me. And I did my research on what the context of "Don't mark your body" means. And tattoos are most assuredly different. But still. I'm a "terrible" person for getting a tattoo. And oh by golly, I'm so darn bad for staying out late at night with friends playing worship songs on guitar or board games or having conversations about life and God and love. Of course I'm out "drinking, smoking, and having sex" yes, I the good christian virgin girl. No! I'm out spending time with my friends doing good things. I'm so sick and tired of hearing them say, "The dark is evil. Only bad people are out at night." That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And of course I got to hear how dumb I am for quitting my 60+ hour a week job that was destroying my body, keeping me from church, and ruining my friendships. Yes I'm such a moron for doing something good for myself. Plus I already have a job. And more lined up if I need them. I'm not worried. I've kept my areas clean. My part of the house is nice though theirs looks like hoarders. And I'm not good enough? I'm a slob? Why don't I clean their part too? What am I? I don't do drugs or drink or smoke. I'm waiting til marriage for sex. I'm not a bum who sits around all day. I pay for all my own stuff. I've got a good relationship with God. I read my Bible. I go to church. I do good deeds. I follow God. But I'm still not good enough. Forget the whole darn thing and everything that comes with it. I'm done trying to please them. I'll never be perfect.

Here's the good news... when I quit Nickles, I went in and gave all of the people in my department gift cards. Even the people who hated me. And I guess it really changed a lot of hearts. People are asking me more about God now then they did when I worked there and tried to tell them. And I'm happy. Today.. a friend and I went to the house of a girl who hates us and left a card and a bunch of candy, snacks, and presents on her doorstep and ran like the dickens. I'm spending more time with friends. I get to freaking work at one of my dream jobs making coffee. There is hope. I'm not giving up. I'm just a little worn out and tired of people. But I know it'll be okay. I know it. Someday.

Poop.

I'm deeply sad. Like, do you ever just feel sad and your heart can feel it? Your heart literally aches and feels heavy, but it's not a crying type of sad? I mean, sometimes you cry but it's deeper than that. Tears won't relieve it. You know you might feel better in the morning but you're just not tired. You want to sleep to ease it. It's how I feel. And I know God is here with me. I just.. can't bring myself to be strong now. Someone important to me might have cancer. It's also possible that they don't. I'm praying and believing they don't. But it's such a heavy weight. It's like when you see things happen to other people and think, "That'll never happen to me." But here it is.. happening. And I'm so sick to my stomach. I'm believing they'll be alright. And I know it's probably nothing. But the possibility.. is so scary. And to add to it.. and the disastrous, painful conversation I had to go through tonight... someone from the past decided to add me on facebook. And it's messing with my head. Not like, any feelings I have. Just.. Why would this person add me? Why now? Is it because they have nothing better to do or because I made a difference or what? I don't particularly want to see them again. But I don't not want to. And then there's that other person who kind of made a lot of this pain and these thoughts go away, and I don't know what's going on with that. Or if I'm going to see them again soon or not. And I'm about to just drop it all and go live in the mountains and talk to God. But I know I can't. I know he's put me here to help people.. but I just don't feel cut out for this. I'm emotional and a wreck right now and my life is a freaking triangle and I don't want to talk about it to anyone because no one will understand so I'm blogging about it for anyone who wants to look and it kind of scares me but then again I don't care. I want to move away. But I'm too scared. I'm holding on but I want to let go but I'm scared to and I'd probably fail and starve and be poor if I tried to move far away. I just wanna be strong for everyone. I hate how my parents are disappointed and mad because I got a tattoo. I hate that so much. It's not wrong. I talked to God about it. Believe me I did. And I feel fine about it. But they're so hard headed. I just hate how it brought a string of other things along with it. Like, I'm apparently bad for staying out late. Ooooo! I stay out and sing worship songs with friends and have life conversations or play board games or sit at campfires or lakes and just enjoy life. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex. So staying out is not a bad thing. I'm an adult. I've been an adult. So why are they still trying to control everything? Can't they be proud? I'm living my life the best I can. For goodness sake, I spent nearly $200 on gift cards for all the people in my department when I quit my job, including the people who hated me because I wanted to show them love in some way to prove that I meant all the kindness I showed them. And it touched a lot of people. I wasn't doing it to show off or make anyone proud. I wanted to show God's love. But my parents, they didn't care. A certain family member said I was doing it for attention. It made me sick. But.. not everything that happened is bad. An atheist was really touched by it. A very lost girl heard about it and was touched and asked to have breakfast with me so we could talk about God and when I said one check and was paying for hers, she grabbed it and paid for it instead. Someone who hated me cried and hugged me and added me on facebook and comments on my posts. And I just.. wow. It just changed my heart. It definitely is better to give than to receive. And.. I got the job at starbucks. My cheesy dream job. But I am ecstatic. And I'm hoping with my spare time I'll be able to start up another band and get back to music. I know I'll forget how sad I am when the morning comes and everything will be good again.. but the fact is, right now I'm so sad. And my guitar is out in my car and I wanna sing worship songs but I'm too scared to go get it and it's cold as crap outside. I know those are terrible excuses but.. well, it's true. I might just lay down and see if I can sleep. Cause this is pointless. I just wanted to rant to someone or something. I don't know.

blah. 

Lost and found

The more I'm lost, the more I'm found.

But I'm so freaking confused. 

Something good will happen, but something

bad will follow it. What am I supposed to make

of this? I know things can't always be good.

But for pete's sake, could I just get a break from this?

I'm not saying I deserve one. Because I know I don't.

But still.

In any case, things aren't as bad as they were.

It's just those little things. Like children spitting on me

at work, and having to clean blood off the coinstar machine

cause some weird guy decided, "Oh I'm just gonna leave

my blood here so other people can clean it up and get diseases."

And HR not being happy with my hair. Uh, it's normal colors bro.

The book just says no crazy colors. My hair is half black, and half blonde.

So, I think that's a little unfair. If they try to make me change it, I honest

to goodness will search harder for a new job, because it's not worth

it to not do what I want with my hair for 18 or so hours a week. 

I wanted full time. I'm hardly getting part time. Everyone's hours are

cut, and it's just really annoying. We all need new jobs. 

I'm trying Nickels bakery. That's that. They won't mind my hair.

And I'll get full time, plus two dollars more than I'm making now.

I might actually get somewhere in  life. 

Even though yesterday was really bad at work, it wasn't.

Gina saw I was sad, and she bought me a gift basket. And that

just.. made me so happy. Knowing that someone cares. 

And I know people do care.. it's just hard for me to always be sure.

Like, how I am with God.. if He's trying to tell me something, I won't

get it unless it's an obvious blatant sign. And me with people, I won't

see they care unless they show it in some way. I'm not saying they

have to buy me stuff. Because honestly, 99% of the time I'll reject it.

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. Or a hug. It varies. 

Anyways, I don't know where I'm going with this. Something amazing

happened yesterday. After months on end of begging him to sing, I got

to hear him sing for the first time. And oh my goodness. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

Just like a worship leader. Just like that soothing voice that just, takes you away.

You know what I mean? I was pleasantly surprised. And I can't wait for other

people to hear it. February 17th. Him and I are dueting "Nothing But The Blood"

At the next Dale Settle Jr. event. I sang at the last one and played guitar. And 

oh my goodness, I love that group of people. I love serving those who are in need,

and just.. seeing people feel the love of Jesus through others. It's the most beautiful

thing. And I've come to realize that I haven't been the best representative of Jesus.

I mean, I invite my work friends to church numerous times, and I'm nice to them..

But.. I also gossip. I also let myself become upset too easily over little things. I

make jokes I shouldn't. When I give advice, I don't include the Bible. Sure, I'll

give advice from it, but I won't say where it's from. And I know I need to remember

24/7 that I'm representing Jesus. And I'm going to try harder. I prayed with a work

friend for lunch. And honestly, I'm so proud of myself for that. She's the only one 

that goes to a church, but she's not on fire, you know? I know if I get her into my church,

the rest of them will be more likely to visit. Anyways, I'm trying. And I know I can do better.

So I'm going to be intentional. Even more so. So as I go to work today and Debbie talks

my ear off about her son and her boyfriend and all these other things that annoy the heck out

of me, I'm not going to try to get away from her. I'm going to listen. To love on her. As hard

as it might be. I spent the weekend with a good friend of mine, and we read our Bible, and prayed

together, and had a little worship session.. and it was so nice. So inspiring. What she saw when she

read was that she needs to put her trust in Jesus, and not in her job, her friends, her family.. and I

agree. I suck at that too. So, we're working on that. And I found that we shouldn't push away the

needy people and deem them as people who want attention, but like Jesus let the children come

to him, we should let these people come to us for help and show them His love. It was very eye

opening. And then we prayed, and golly. It just feels so good to know that someone is agreeing

with you in prayer. When two people agree for anything in Jesus name, God said it would be given

to us. So I'm believing for answers. And our worship session.. was like therapy. So beautiful.

We sat in a little tiny music practice room at Kent with our guitars, and just started playing worship

songs, and singing, and closing our eyes and remembering who we live for, and that we don't need

to worry. It was incredible, and went on for about on hour. And now that I think about it.. I'm doing

better than I used to. Sure, I used to read the Bible more, but I feel like I just read it and that's all.

And sure I used to play worship music alone more often. And maybe I just looked better then because

I just hung out with church friends, and did all these good things.. but now, I'm reading the Bible with

people. Hearing what they have to say about it. Sharing with them, and learning from them. I'm praying

with people, which has been a huge step for me. I used to get so nervous about praying in front of people,

and now I'm mostly okay. I'm worshiping with people, playing guitar in church, playing guitar to serve at

events, and just entering in. I'm hanging out with work friends, trying to show them the love that's been 

shown to me instead of just hiding inside the 4 walls of the church. People look at me differently because

of who I hang around. Just like the Pharisees were talking about Jesus eating with sinners. Sick people

need a doctor. Yeah, we need church friends to live with and grow with, but we can't be so worried

about our reputation that we don't reach out to others. So.. I'm less of a Pharisee now. Because I feel

like that's how I was before. I'm trying to be more like Jesus, everyday. And I'm doing my best.

I guess what I'm saying is, is that everything is going to be okay. I've got the maker of the universe

beside me, and nothing can shake me.

~Vivian

I remember before when I'd say, "It seems like you don't want to talk right now." your response would be something like, "No no! Of course I do. I'm sorry I was just busy doing -insert here-" But now it's, "SEE?! Where are you getting this crap from?"
I don't understand. At all. When all you respond with is an "Ok." When I say I'm sorry for something that I don't even know I did wrong.. You're like a chick. They send off these mixed messages and you never know why they're upset. Why can't you just be blunt like you used to? You're freaking killing me. You're getting mad at me for stupid reasons. And I'm trying my hardest to show you the love that Jesus has been showing me, but I'm falling apart. I don't know what's making you so mad lately. I have an idea of what it is. And I know that if you keep letting it effect you, it'll take you over. And I don't want to see that happen. I'm praying so hard for you. For this. For everything. And I know I can't be mad at God because I see no results, because I know it's in His timing.. I just.. I'm nearly at the end of my rope, and what if I keep hoping and praying and you don't? Where do I stand then? I'm trying so hard and you can't see it and I don't know if it's that thing that's blinding you, or if I'm just wrong. But I'm certain God would show me if I'm wrong because I've been asking Him to reveal it to me. I'm struggling. I'm tired. I'm crying like a baby. And not to mention this secret that I can't tell you is killing me. If it were up to me, I'd tell you. And maybe it'd break this wall between us. But it's not mine to tell and it's absolutely destroying me. I cry about it daily. I feel alone. I feel so lost. God, help me. Save me. I've been making sure we read our Bibles together daily, and do our devotional, but is it doing anything? I know it has to be because God's Word never comes back void. I know it fulfills it's purpose. But like David said, How long Oh Lord? God please give me some type of answer. Or if nothing else, some hope and encouragement. I don't want to try to talk to some christian leader and sound like I'm bashing the people in my life by sharing this stuff with them. It's just so hard. I'm weak.
I'm worn. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to bite my tongue, and I'm afraid I'm going to bite it off soon.
I don't know how much longer I can keep these tears hidden in my room. How much longer I can keep up this charade. Fix me, Jesus, fix me.

~Vivian

Circle Of Life

Thank God I bought my drumset, is all I can say.
I hate being angry, and I hate showing my anger. So beating on some drums is definitely the best thing to do.
As of my week of teaching myself, so far I can play:
Yellow by Coldplay
Holding Onto You by Twenty One Pilots (sounds SWEET btdubbs)
Attitude by The O.C. Supertones (almost)
And I'm working on This Is For Real by Motion City.
It's been an adventure. It surely helps relieve everything I've been keeping in.
But right now, it's late. And something is bothering me.
And this time, it's my mother. For the first time in ages, I call her and ask, "Can you bring me a coffee? I don't feel good, and a treat would help." and she complains about how she's busy and just wants to get home, so I say, "Okay nevermind." Later, I'm doing my devotions, and I always silence my phone when doing so. When I check my phone I see two missed calls from her, and I call back. Her first words? "Too late. You didn't answer to tell me what you wanted, so I'm almost home." And I honestly almost blew up. But instead I said okay and hung up. Why was I angry? Because after living with me for 19 years, shouldn't she know what I like? And that since mcdonalds is the only coffee choice in this town, I ALWAYS get a caramel mocha? Without fail. Everytime. She should know that. And she does. I honestly cannot for the life of me figure out what her problem is. I know it's dumb. But it just irritated me and I don't want to yell at her when I go downstairs, so I'd rather blow up for the whole internet to see. It's just.. it's like this; I've been super intentional lately about fixing my mom and my relationship. I've not said anything negative, I've massaged her feet and watched a movie with her, I've tried to talk to her because she says I don't tell her about my life(which by the way, when I do she doesn't listen. she just tunes into her facebook game or whatever crap she's doing and says "what?" after I finish a 10 minute story), I've bought her flowers, I've done the dishes, I honestly don't know what she wants from me. And it's so frustrating.
On a brighter note, someone told me I look like Melanie from "the voice". I don't watch tv, so clearly I had to look her up, but I did, and that is SO flattering! She's intensely lovely, her voice is even kind of similar to mine. And her hair.. definitely thinking about doing that. I've got brown and blonde hair now. Half black/half blonde isn't too different. Minus the fact that it'd be cruella deville style. Anyways, I'd just like a break from all the difficult people. I know it's me I need to work on, and I'm trying. But since I've been trying, everyone else has gotten more difficult. WHAT GIVES?

~Vivian

Betting on a dead horse.

I'm tired of everyone telling me what's good for me. For once, I'd like to make my own decisions without someone getting mad at me for it. I don't want to be molded by other people. I want it to be God and I. Sure, if someone gives me advice, I'll consider it. But when they get mad at me for not doing what they tell me to, I just get so.. frustrated. I'm tired of being bossed around. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm getting my life in order. I have two jobs. I'm trying to get one full time one and quit these. But I'm wrong because I won't find a job in a different town and move there right now? Why don't you move to my town? Not so fun being on the other end, is it? I said I wanted to move out, but I didn't say I wanted to move right beside you.
I want to be between the two places I love, and I'll worry about that once I have means of transportation. I don't want you to be mad at me for it. Or for buying a drumset. I bought the drumset because it's the only one I'll be able to find for that price, and I happen to think it was a good deal. You can't get mad at me for it. Sure, you think it's a piece of junk, but I've actually been playing it constantly, and I adore it. And I ask you for easy songs to learn on drums, and you ignore me? You can't at least help me since the "damage" is already done? I guess I can do this alone. I just can't stand getting nagged at or ignored for making my own decisions. If I was married and I was sharing my money with someone, I absolutely wouldn't buy a random drumset. But I'm just me for now, so I am pretty sure I can do whatever I want with my money. Besides, I already spend half of it on you. Not that I mind it, because I don't. But shouldn't you be happy that I bought something that I enjoy when you're the one who told me I shouldn't save all of my money or I'll go insane from not buying myself something every once in a while? I just.. don't know what you expect of me. I'm trying to be perfect, but we all know that can't happen. I did nothing wrong by buying this drumset. I'm not doing anything wrong by getting a new job in my town. I'm working so hard. And I haven't nagged at you for the fact that you haven't got a job, because I'm understanding. I know you care about me. And I know you're trying. But could you PLEASE for the sake of all that is good in the world, stop trying to control my life?

~Vivian

Okay. You caught me.
I'm fickle, I change my mind a lot. I can be selfish. I'm stubborn. I'm difficult. I'm strong, until you sit me down and see I'm weak. A good majority of what I say is a quote. I have a giant popped blackhead on my lip and I picked at it so much that I swear it looks like herpes. I'm always hungry. I'm a brat sometimes. I don't always do the right thing. I'm very sloppy. I have a messy room most of the time. I complain a lot. I'm weird. When I paint my nails every once in a blue moon, the polish stays on until every last bit chips off by itself. I wear a lot of makeup. I never wear shorts. I think Oscar Wilde is a genius. I love it when people notice that I'm wearing perfume. Sometimes I wish people would notice me. Sometimes I do want attention. But sometimes that's just because I want someone to realize that I just need a hug. I cry sometimes. Sometimes I miss what God is trying to tell me. Oh, and sometimes I make mistakes. A lot of those. I'm chubby. I touch my chin way too much because I feel like I have a double chin. I'm missing a tooth. I rarely like anything mainstream. I'm a little bit good at everything, but not a pro at one thing. I read a lot. Sometimes I'm antisocial. Sometimes I don't say hi back to people and instead just smile because I'm so scared that my voice is going to crack or that I'm going to sound like an idiot. Sometimes I unintentionally act like a jerk. I rarely say what I'm really thinking. When I do say what I'm thinking, I get nagged at for it. I don't talk as much as I used to. I still haven't gotten over things from years ago. I should be smarter. I should be better. I should work harder. I take things for granted. I usually don't let people take care of me. When I do let people take care of me, I feel lazy. I'm independent. I'm too dependent on people who can't handle it. I'm too sensitive. I get hurt too easily. I apparently am spoiled. I get embarrassed really, really easily. I'm not very smart. I don't always use good sense. I feel like I give too much and don't get enough back. I'm misunderstood. I don't think I'm doing enough. My faith is small. People have worse problems than me.
But I thought that you, of all people would understand this after all this time. And I definitely thought that you would understand that when someone is in trouble, I will drop everything to help them. You were complimenting me on how hard I've been working. And you know I find it hard to take compliments. So I said I haven't really been, but thank you, it means a lot. And then I noticed that someone important to me was in trouble, and wanted to talk to somebody about it.. so I told you. And what did you do? You irritated me by saying, "what does that have to do with anything?" Uh, everything. Something was bothering me about someone, and you said you'd always be there for you. And for once, I try to take the subject off of me, and worry about someone else, and you get upset about it. So now we aren't talking. And I'd like to say that this is somehow my fault, but I keep re-reading these messages and I don't see where I did anything wrong. I wanted to talk about something that was hurting me, and you shut me down like you didn't care. I'm not going to apologize for this. I'm going to get ready for work, and hope you realize that what you said was hurtful.

After I looked past last night, when we were on the phone and you were hanging out with your friend and said my dad was decrepit and falling apart. I tried not to get mad. And I didn't get mad. But you, of all people should know that I worry daily about my dad and that if something happened to him I wouldn't know what to do. But I figured you didn't realize what you were saying cause you were with your friend, so I didn't say anything, as my heart ached while you laughed about it. There were a lot of things that hurt my feelings last night. But I'm trying my hardest not to be a sensitive pansy. And I'll never say how I really feel about these things. I'll just post it on my blog like a tool, and let it go. Because that's what you do when you care about somebody. You look past it.

Please.. just stop hurting me. I know I'm hurting you too sometimes, and that you have feelings just as I, but I'm trying my hardest. What more can I do?

~Vivian

From this day forward, I'm introducing myself to new people as "Vivian".
I don't really have a reason. I just have a few friends who hardly ever go by
their real name, and it interested me. And Vivian means "lively, alive, animated"
And that's what I want to be. So it's official. I'll quote myself on here as Vivian.

In other news, I shot a bow for the first time today and felt like freakin' Hawkeye.
Though, I totally missed the target and got the arrow stuck in a block of wood. Oh well.

Oh, and I played banjo for the first time yesterday. It was pretty amazing.
I didn't feel like anyone. But it was still really cool. I might actually consider getting
a banjo now.

I don't have anything too exciting to say right now cause I'm in a weird mood.
But I just felt like posting so I'm trying to come up with stuff.

John freakin' Bevere is preaching at faith family tonight, and I am beyond pumped.
It's gonna be awesome. I need a kickstarter to get back on track and I think whatever
he speaks on will be it. I'm just worn out from everything, including myself.
I've let myself slip into the motions and I have no one to blame but me.
I just want a new start. Maybe that's why I want to be known as, as Vivian.
Who knows. I know I'll be okay though.

~Vivian Conduit

I guess it's time for me to rant and ramble. It's been a while. 

Here I am at 10:30am eating a volcano burrito, and feeling completely exhausted from the events of the other night. What happened? Well, lets just say I thought the person closest to me was going to die, and it was the most terrifying feeling, ever. I'm not even kidding. Even if I myself were dying, it wouldn't be more terrifying than this. I was up all night, in panic mode, praying and crying and thinking he was dead. And as I sat there, wondering what I'd do, I just realized how much he means to me, and how precious life is. I haven't seen him  in a week and a half, because he's on vacation. And of course I've missed him a lot and I can't wait his return, but honestly I'd wait years, as long as he was alive. It was just the most torturous feeling ever. I'm glad everything is okay though, and that he's alive. You have no idea how happy I am. It's given a new sense of sight to me, and now I'm going to treasure him. Treasure every freakin' moment. After all of these years, I'm confident that God has given me my prince. In the person I'd never even noticed for all the time I'd known him. But July, that fateful month, has shown me so much. I've been treated better than I ever have, and I've been shown so much kindness that I just can't even fathom it. It's been hard. But it's been worth it. And that's all I could ever ask for.

In other news, my job at Giant Eagle is kicking my butt. Bagging stuff is easy, but dealing with angry customers is just awful. And carrying out their 60 pound bags of dog food, etc. is just painful. And one more complaint, ALL of the silly people who leave their carts strewn all over the parking lot, or the even sillier teenagers who think it's funny to put carts far out in a field, I'MMA CUT YOU! But not really. It's just slightly irritating. Other than that, the nice customers, the lovely people I work with, they make it so worth it. I'd just like more hours. Please, for petes sake. I don't want to have to work two jobs. 

Music hasn't been doing a whole lot lately, if I'm being honest. I've promised to keep going in music because I know it's a huge part of my calling. Buuuuut lately it's been going a little slow cause I haven't been recording anything or really trying to get the word out. I got asked to do two worship shows in October, which I'll gladly do. And I offered to be the new worship leader for a small church who's leader is stepping down, but they didn't seem very receptive even though they're desperate and praying that someone will show up. Hello? I didn't show up by accident. Considering my home church is an hour away from that church, and I still ended up there that day. I honestly think it's my height that threw them off. They acted like I was a kid who could never lead worship, and it kind of offends me. Yes, I look young. But how about before you assume I'm 15 or 16 you ask how old I am? And maybe see that I took a 9 month long internship on ministry, and that I've lead worship at many places? I cannot stand it when people judge by appearance, especially the church, who is supposed to be completely nonjudgmental. But oh my goodness, this got way off track. Anyways, my personal music page has 100 likes, and it'll probably have more soon if I ever get around to recording more.

Oh, and another thing about that small church I visited... Nearly every person there treated me like I wasn't a christian. I mean, I know it was my first time in a main service at that church, but when a person is holding a Bible, taking notes during the sermon, and raising their hands/jumping up and down during praise and worship, you have to assume they're a christian. No one does that stuff for fun. They were all, "Ya looked like ya actually learned something during the sermon. You should come back." and "oh, I'm so glad you came today, you should make this your home church." I'm like... "lol. my home church is faith family in Canton and I attend faithfully 3 times a week." Just because I have piercings, and don't always wear a dress on Sunday mornings doesn't mean I'm not saved, or don't have a home church that I love greatly. I mean, I'm sure they meant nothing by it, but it really bothered me. I'd of probably been happier if they didn't talk to me. 

In any case, moving out of state sounds like fun.

I'm growing weary of this place.

~Ms. Conduit

Today I learned something new.

I'm a princess and I should be treated as one.

At least from someone who wants to

be my prince.

Everyone else can treat me as the peasant they

see me to be.

The cynic in me is coming back. At full force. And honestly- it scares me and makes me really, really upset at the same time. I keep thinking of how out-to-get-me people might be. And it's sickening. I keep thinking of the mistake that someone who means a lot to me made. And I'm actually just dwelling on it, and I know that's a bad place to dwell. I hate the thought. I hate the feeling it's giving me. I just want to run. I don't know what to do.

~le sigh

I have nothing to say right now. God.. help me.

~Ms. Conduit

So, a certain person wrote something for me. And I want to rant about it, and say what I'd really say to them if they would let me, so I'm going to let it all out on here. I know they'd never hear me out, or would throw excuses at me and interrupt. So, here's my responses to what they had to say.

1. "And while you probably don't want to hear anything from me.."

See, here's the thing. I wanted to hear what you had to say. I gave you chance after chance, day after day. I paid for every time we spent together, and did all the hard work, and put up with the weather. Since you thought it fit for you to tell me in poetry, that's how I'll respond, for my blog, to release steam. I wanted to listen, I really did, but you made it so hard, and that's why I quit.

2. "I didn't know how to respond when you used to just look at me."

That's just it, I liked to just be. To watch you smile and hear your heartbeat. But for you it was all about doing something, whether it was going to eat or watching TV. But those things aren't what I live for, or what makes me happy. I like to look at the stars, and laugh and to talk. And to just go on long walks. But I always sacrificed, did what you wanted to. Even though the same thing for me, you would never do.

3. "And everything about you, physically speaking, is literally everything I've been seeking."

You rarely told me I was beautiful. You didn't take the time to look into my soul. And when you saw me without makeup, and I tried to hide, all you had to say was that I look "fine". Just that it was different, that it wasn't me. I'm not me without makeup? That's slightly insulting. I know I always wear it, and I love black lined eyes, but I can't believe you said without it I'm not me. What about what's inside?

4. "Whoever ends up with you, well they better be the best because you don't deserve anything less."

I don't see why you didn't think that before it was too late. You regret it now, because your loss was great. I pulled both of our weight. And now it's far too late. They say you don't know what you have until it's gone, and that's true, but you never had me because deep down I knew it was wrong. You're not what I need or even what I desire, you were too self centered, and it made me tired. I know you say you're different, but you had your chance and lost it. And in response to this line, I'd like to let you know, that I've found the best and I won't let it go. So in that you got your wish, but I'm something you'll greatly miss.

5. "I would want a second chance with you, I would want that so bad/But I know you don't think I deserve that and it's probably something I will never have."

You say you want a second chance, but you've missed the point, you don't understand. I've given you many more than that, everytime you upset me, everytime you made me mad. I would forgive and overlook, all of your mistakes. Your immaturity, and me always paying for our "dates". I thought that it was fine, and that someday you'd be a man. And maybe I wouldn't always have to do everything, that someday you'd make a stand. But you remained lazy and with no ambition, so I couldn't stand it, and that's one reason why I'm missing.

6. "Mostly because we didn't survive even one spell of stormy weather."

That's what I hate, that you just won't get. It wasn't one spell, it was a storm that wouldn't quit. You took and took, and I gave and gave. But you took until, I couldn't stand it anymore one day. I realized I don't have to live with you in a storm, I came across someone who gave me a shelter and was warm. And while you might hate me, don't misunderstand. I did care about you, and none of this was planned. I just let myself keep at this, at the expense of myself. I didn't want to destroy you, so I put at risk my own health. My hope for something truly beautiful, was shatter because I wanted to protect you from a broken soul. But I came to realize, it's not me who broke you. We break ourselves, believe me it's true. You placed your trust on me, and that was your downfall. For God is the only one who keeps us standing tall. So please, take the storm away. I've had enough, and we're both to blame.

7. "And I know you probably don't think you did anything wrong.."

On the contrary, I know I've done wrong. You think I blame you, but a lot of this is my fault. I should of never said I liked you, should of never let it get this far. Should of never spent so much time in your car. I compromised myself, and all that I want, and I know you might hate me, but I have to be blunt. You aren't what I'm looking for, not in that way. And though you're hoping it will, that fact just cannot change. I lied to myself, and I lied to you. And I didn't even mean to. I was lost and young, and couldn't find who I was. But now that I know, who I'll become. It's time for me to move on, this is wrong, and I'm done.

I want you to know how sorry I am. But I'm done.

I've found what I'm looking for, and it's not you.

I'm done with you.

I've been gone for a long, long time.

And honestly, this past month has been the hardest of my life. Oh my word you would not even believe the stuff I've been through. I've dealt with creeps, awkward people dancing not just in front of me- but at me while I'm playing with my band, some WAY overly emotional guys, deaths, and just plain out sin and struggle. I don't have much patience for creeps. And I have the emotional range of a teaspoon, so dear emotional guys, I'm sorry that I hardly care about how you're feeling when it comes to me- especially when I've already got enough other things on my plate. I'm not perfect. Oh lawdy, I know. It's a shocker right? In fact, just like Paul says about himself in the Bible, I'm probably the chief of all sinners. But at least I'm not some holier than thou pharisee who won't admit it. I've learned so much about myself, and other people in this past month. And I didn't think it was possible to be shocked by people ever again after all that happened to me in the internship. But I was proven intensely wrong. It really isn't good when you're so blind to someone who's pretty much controlling you like a puppet on a string. I don't take well to that. So now that I'm out- there's no way I'm going back. I will not be tied down. And I will never, ever judge a person before knowing their story ever again. That kid that you think is really immature, and you think you have figured out, well- you're probably wrong. Ask them what's going on in their life, and ask them genuinely. People put on such a facade to hide their problems. We're all more broken than we lead people to believe. And I'm sick and tired of everyone hiding it. And I'm even more sick and tired of us so called "Christian's" not reaching out to these people. Because they could be on the verge of ending their life. Your Christian friend could be contemplating suicide. Or feeling useless and hopeless. And what are you doing? Sitting there wondering why they act the way they do. Who are we to judge? And how can someone have the right to get mad at someone for comforting someone when they're crying, because they feel like they own the person? I'm sorry, but that just sickens me. The more I think about all of this, the more I'm amazed that God loves me. If I feel so much sorrow for someone who's in a huge mess because of their past mistakes and their current sin, how much more does God feel that for me, and the whole universe? It makes me so badly want to do better. And I am. I'm back on track with my devotions. I'm praying more than I'm thinking. And I'm getting my head on straight. I was a fool. I was played like a game. And maybe to this person it seems the other way around, but I don't see it one bit. Forever The Sickest Kids says it right, "You were fake, I was great, nothing personal." And maybe this is way too harsh. But I need to rant. And the person will never read this. I forgive them, yes. But I'm sick and tired of being told that everything I do is wrong. Just because it's not with them or for them. I gave and gave and got nothing in return. And I know that's what I'm called to do, but when you're taken advantage of, it just gets a little ridiculous. I just.. I know it's wrong that everything this person does now makes me want to rip my hair out. And they aren't even here in person. They'll be back soon, and I know I have to make amends or this will destroy me. It's just so annoying right now. It blows my mind, that in the same day, one person can view you as a picture of God's never-ending grace, and another person can view you as the devil. Sometimes I wish God had never created the whole, "relationship-marriage-guy/girl" thing. Sometimes I wonder what He was thinking. But then I think of how rewarding it is when it's done right. And it gives me hope. I'm done being a fool. I'm done listening to outside voices. It's God and I. What He says, goes. Period. I know I'm going to get so much hate for everything that I'm going to do in the next few months. The reasons being: 1. Someone is going to say I'm compromising what I've been looking for. And that is not at all true. I've found what I've been looking for, and just because it's not perfect doesn't mean it's wrong. Because, earth to people, nothing in this world will be perfect until Jesus comes back. Sometimes you just gotta take the leap of faith. 2. Some people are going to think things of me that aren't true. Jesus got hated on for hanging out with so-called, "Sinners", and I will too. And I don't care. I'd rather hang out with sinners who admit their sin and try to get out of it, than pharisees who hide their sin and stick their nose up at everyone. It's not going to be easy. And I've finally quit caring what other people think. Jesus was absolutely right. They hated Him. So if they hated Him, why should I be trying to make everyone like me? I'm not better than Jesus. So being hated is almost a give-in. And I don't care anymore. Say what you will. Judge me. Think I'm a bad person. But it's not like you know what goes on in my life. I don't care what you think of me, cause either way you're gonna think what you believe. If I were trying to please people, I wouldn't live my life sold out to God. My world has been pulled in so many different directions. And I've finally come to an understanding of things that most people never do. My problems are insignificant compared to most peoples. My life is actually really good compared to what some people are going through. I'm doing better than I think I am. I'm a good example. I'm reaching people for God. No one wants to hear some holier than thou, stuck up, person. They want someone who will meet them where they're at and just love them. And that's what I intend to do. If you're going to look down on me for it, I'm sorry, hypocrite. I love everyone, yes. But I'm not going to spend my time around those who are just going to talk me down to other people. I'm exhausted. I don't know what the next step is. But I know God is in control and that everything will be okay. It's all out of my control now, but God's strength works best in weakness. So I'm letting go. He's provided me with what I need through all of this. He's got my back. And I know I have two people who love me very much and will be with me through it. And I love them so much. I just need Jesus, my two friends, a notebook and pen, and lots of coffee, and I know I'll get by just fine. And not only will I get by, but I'll love every minute of it. I know this might not make sense. I just need to get it all out. So I'm sorry if I wasted your time with this post. It's just what I needed to do. And I hope you know that God loves you.

~Ms. Conduit

So, I was sitting here trying to create a wordpress. I got the account made, and I was thinking about ranting on it, but I decided my first post should be something awesome. So I'm coming back to you, blogger. You've been with me for quite a while now. And I don't really know what it is that I want to say. I guess I'm just a little tired. I'm thinking about tomorrow, "battle of the bands" the christian version of course. If we win, we get to open for Remedy Drive this summer. Not that I'm all "we're going to win!" There's only two rounds, and though I don't know if we'll win, I'm confident that we'll make it to round two without a doubt. All of these opportunities have been amazing. We have 3 more shows set up. I bought a mixer from Kris. I know this is what I'm meant to do with my life and it feels like I'm finally moving forward. Not to mention God is revealing so much to me. Like, a week ago. There was a guy at a gas station where Matt and I were talking, and he asked if he could use one of our phones. I selfishly pulled my phone closer to me, thinking the worst of the guy, while Matt handed his phone over. The guy had said he was stranded because his car broke down. Every other word out of his mouth was a cuss word. And it made me sick to my stomach. And I'm not quite sure why. Do I really keep myself this sheltered, as to not even hear cussing, ever? And then the guy thanked Matt, and sat down near us, frustrated, obviously. He complained about the town(My town, and I don't blame him), and he shared nearly his whole life story with us. The things that he told me blew my mind. Like, what he does for a living is not honorable to him, nor his girlfriend. It's horrific, and just... It shocked me. I mean, I know it's in the world, but I never really think about it. Finally he asked about us, and Matt mentioned that we'd played with our band at a church that day. The guy quickly apologized for cussing, saying, "I'm so sorry for my language, I didn't realize ya'll were church people." Which made me chuckle, for some reason. Church folks deserve more respect than normal folks? And then he told us how his grandmother is always preaching at him everytime she sees him, and it made me smile. Go grandma. I realize I was way too judgmental sitting there, almost vomiting because of his language, and gagging because of what he does and not even having the gall to look him in the eye. And then I realized something. All sin is the same. And I always knew this, but for some reasons the things we always "know" don't really hit us until we experience them, you know? I realized, that before God, I was just like this man. Living life blindly, doing things that seemed good but only hurt me, and hurting others. I was on the highway to hell. No, I never did anything "too" horrible. I lived a pretty "clean" life compared to the worlds standards. But God see's all sin as the same. He's perfect. I was just as lost as this man. And it blew my mind. And suddenly, I had a new appreciation for God's grace. No more thinking I'm "holier than thou" just pure, raw, brokenness for realizing what a sinner I was, and still am at times. And it blows my mind repeatedly now. We're all hopeless and lost, until we hear and accept what Christ did at the cross. Perfection died, to set this sinner free. And it's just so amazing. We think of grace and forgiveness and repentance as something for the person who has murdered, has stolen, was addicted to drugs and drinking, has cheated on their spouse, those "big" sins. And yes, it is for those. But it's also for that lie you told 5 minutes ago, that time you cheated on your test, that time you had a lustful thought, that time you were angry at another, that time you compromised Christ and what you believe... Grace is for YOU. You need forgiveness. And Christ took all of what we deserved, and died the sinners death. And it humbles me so much. I'm just thinking back on gas station guy, and I hope that somehow, I was a light to him. I hope the Bible verse I left for him as he slept on a row of chairs at the gas station touched his heart. And showed him that someone really does care.

-Ms. Conduit