Okay. You caught me.
I'm fickle, I change my mind a lot. I can be selfish. I'm stubborn. I'm difficult. I'm strong, until you sit me down and see I'm weak. A good majority of what I say is a quote. I have a giant popped blackhead on my lip and I picked at it so much that I swear it looks like herpes. I'm always hungry. I'm a brat sometimes. I don't always do the right thing. I'm very sloppy. I have a messy room most of the time. I complain a lot. I'm weird. When I paint my nails every once in a blue moon, the polish stays on until every last bit chips off by itself. I wear a lot of makeup. I never wear shorts. I think Oscar Wilde is a genius. I love it when people notice that I'm wearing perfume. Sometimes I wish people would notice me. Sometimes I do want attention. But sometimes that's just because I want someone to realize that I just need a hug. I cry sometimes. Sometimes I miss what God is trying to tell me. Oh, and sometimes I make mistakes. A lot of those. I'm chubby. I touch my chin way too much because I feel like I have a double chin. I'm missing a tooth. I rarely like anything mainstream. I'm a little bit good at everything, but not a pro at one thing. I read a lot. Sometimes I'm antisocial. Sometimes I don't say hi back to people and instead just smile because I'm so scared that my voice is going to crack or that I'm going to sound like an idiot. Sometimes I unintentionally act like a jerk. I rarely say what I'm really thinking. When I do say what I'm thinking, I get nagged at for it. I don't talk as much as I used to. I still haven't gotten over things from years ago. I should be smarter. I should be better. I should work harder. I take things for granted. I usually don't let people take care of me. When I do let people take care of me, I feel lazy. I'm independent. I'm too dependent on people who can't handle it. I'm too sensitive. I get hurt too easily. I apparently am spoiled. I get embarrassed really, really easily. I'm not very smart. I don't always use good sense. I feel like I give too much and don't get enough back. I'm misunderstood. I don't think I'm doing enough. My faith is small. People have worse problems than me.
But I thought that you, of all people would understand this after all this time. And I definitely thought that you would understand that when someone is in trouble, I will drop everything to help them. You were complimenting me on how hard I've been working. And you know I find it hard to take compliments. So I said I haven't really been, but thank you, it means a lot. And then I noticed that someone important to me was in trouble, and wanted to talk to somebody about it.. so I told you. And what did you do? You irritated me by saying, "what does that have to do with anything?" Uh, everything. Something was bothering me about someone, and you said you'd always be there for you. And for once, I try to take the subject off of me, and worry about someone else, and you get upset about it. So now we aren't talking. And I'd like to say that this is somehow my fault, but I keep re-reading these messages and I don't see where I did anything wrong. I wanted to talk about something that was hurting me, and you shut me down like you didn't care. I'm not going to apologize for this. I'm going to get ready for work, and hope you realize that what you said was hurtful.

After I looked past last night, when we were on the phone and you were hanging out with your friend and said my dad was decrepit and falling apart. I tried not to get mad. And I didn't get mad. But you, of all people should know that I worry daily about my dad and that if something happened to him I wouldn't know what to do. But I figured you didn't realize what you were saying cause you were with your friend, so I didn't say anything, as my heart ached while you laughed about it. There were a lot of things that hurt my feelings last night. But I'm trying my hardest not to be a sensitive pansy. And I'll never say how I really feel about these things. I'll just post it on my blog like a tool, and let it go. Because that's what you do when you care about somebody. You look past it.

Please.. just stop hurting me. I know I'm hurting you too sometimes, and that you have feelings just as I, but I'm trying my hardest. What more can I do?

~Vivian