I guess what I've realized is that I'm still here. There's a song by Yellowcard called "Here I am alive", and it describes me. Basically talks about all the hard situations you've faced and how if you could talk to your past self you'd say it gets better and that  you get past those impossible things. And I can get past these impossible things that I'm facing. Even if it's harder than other situations. They always get harder. But I've always made it out.

Here's my probs.
I've got this dude that I've went on a few dates with and he is literally so awesome.
Minus the fact that I have no clue what he wants. He doesn't talk to me outside of the dates.
Which basically gives me the idea that this is done even  though he said he likes me and
wants to see me again. It's been a week and a half. All the texting that was done was done because
of me. So.. though he was so fantastic, I guess it's time to give that up.
Then someone from the past who really hurt me, but I let them go on a good note..
Well they decide to add me on facebook. And that's a huge deal for this person.
They wouldn't add me for no reason. So though I shouldn't over think it, I am.
I'm wondering why he did it. What he wants. What he has to say. I guess being curious
really will kill the Kat. So number two guy who's leaving me clueless. And again,
all I can do is ignore the situation and try to forget the conclusions in my mind.
Then.. we've got the ex. Gosh darn feelings that were there before and come and go.
Only because he keeps pushing it as far as I can tell. We hang out sometimes. And we
have a nice time together. He's just.. so immature and selfish sometimes. Okay, a lot.
And I'm always the adult. And it's frustrating. And he has to have his way. I'm not
saying I'm perfect but good grief I'm trying at least. It feels one sided. Every time
he thinks he's won me back, he stops being awesome. So I don't know.
I guess the moral of the story is this: I have 5 cats. I only need like 3 more and I can become
a crazy cat lady and be single forever. Works for me.
But wait! Maybe I can wipe all these guys off the slate. Why? I just got hired at Starbucks.
You know what that means? Artistic, mature, creative, adult tattooed males that are generally
what I look at. And hopefully a lot of them love Jesus and are total nerds like me.
Though.. I don't want to find more than one awesome guy.
I sound like a crazy high schooler right now.. Ha. I guess all I'm asking for is one guy who
will make me forget all this stupid stuff so I can move on with my life. And I know I don't
need that and that God is enough, but you know how this late night over thinking crap goes.
I don't use logic or reason or anything I know.
But besides the dudes..

My gosh dang parents. I'm never gonna be good enough for them and I don't know why I torture myself by trying. I'm "evil" for getting a tattoo. I talked to God about this tattoo thing a lot. Believe me. And I did my research on what the context of "Don't mark your body" means. And tattoos are most assuredly different. But still. I'm a "terrible" person for getting a tattoo. And oh by golly, I'm so darn bad for staying out late at night with friends playing worship songs on guitar or board games or having conversations about life and God and love. Of course I'm out "drinking, smoking, and having sex" yes, I the good christian virgin girl. No! I'm out spending time with my friends doing good things. I'm so sick and tired of hearing them say, "The dark is evil. Only bad people are out at night." That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And of course I got to hear how dumb I am for quitting my 60+ hour a week job that was destroying my body, keeping me from church, and ruining my friendships. Yes I'm such a moron for doing something good for myself. Plus I already have a job. And more lined up if I need them. I'm not worried. I've kept my areas clean. My part of the house is nice though theirs looks like hoarders. And I'm not good enough? I'm a slob? Why don't I clean their part too? What am I? I don't do drugs or drink or smoke. I'm waiting til marriage for sex. I'm not a bum who sits around all day. I pay for all my own stuff. I've got a good relationship with God. I read my Bible. I go to church. I do good deeds. I follow God. But I'm still not good enough. Forget the whole darn thing and everything that comes with it. I'm done trying to please them. I'll never be perfect.

Here's the good news... when I quit Nickles, I went in and gave all of the people in my department gift cards. Even the people who hated me. And I guess it really changed a lot of hearts. People are asking me more about God now then they did when I worked there and tried to tell them. And I'm happy. Today.. a friend and I went to the house of a girl who hates us and left a card and a bunch of candy, snacks, and presents on her doorstep and ran like the dickens. I'm spending more time with friends. I get to freaking work at one of my dream jobs making coffee. There is hope. I'm not giving up. I'm just a little worn out and tired of people. But I know it'll be okay. I know it. Someday.

Poop.