But I'm so freaking confused.
Something good will happen, but something
bad will follow it. What am I supposed to make
of this? I know things can't always be good.
But for pete's sake, could I just get a break from this?
I'm not saying I deserve one. Because I know I don't.
But still.
In any case, things aren't as bad as they were.
It's just those little things. Like children spitting on me
at work, and having to clean blood off the coinstar machine
cause some weird guy decided, "Oh I'm just gonna leave
my blood here so other people can clean it up and get diseases."
And HR not being happy with my hair. Uh, it's normal colors bro.
The book just says no crazy colors. My hair is half black, and half blonde.
So, I think that's a little unfair. If they try to make me change it, I honest
to goodness will search harder for a new job, because it's not worth
it to not do what I want with my hair for 18 or so hours a week.
I wanted full time. I'm hardly getting part time. Everyone's hours are
cut, and it's just really annoying. We all need new jobs.
I'm trying Nickels bakery. That's that. They won't mind my hair.
And I'll get full time, plus two dollars more than I'm making now.
I might actually get somewhere in life.
Even though yesterday was really bad at work, it wasn't.
Gina saw I was sad, and she bought me a gift basket. And that
just.. made me so happy. Knowing that someone cares.
And I know people do care.. it's just hard for me to always be sure.
Like, how I am with God.. if He's trying to tell me something, I won't
get it unless it's an obvious blatant sign. And me with people, I won't
see they care unless they show it in some way. I'm not saying they
have to buy me stuff. Because honestly, 99% of the time I'll reject it.
Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. Or a hug. It varies.
Anyways, I don't know where I'm going with this. Something amazing
happened yesterday. After months on end of begging him to sing, I got
to hear him sing for the first time. And oh my goodness. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just like a worship leader. Just like that soothing voice that just, takes you away.
You know what I mean? I was pleasantly surprised. And I can't wait for other
people to hear it. February 17th. Him and I are dueting "Nothing But The Blood"
At the next Dale Settle Jr. event. I sang at the last one and played guitar. And
oh my goodness, I love that group of people. I love serving those who are in need,
and just.. seeing people feel the love of Jesus through others. It's the most beautiful
thing. And I've come to realize that I haven't been the best representative of Jesus.
I mean, I invite my work friends to church numerous times, and I'm nice to them..
But.. I also gossip. I also let myself become upset too easily over little things. I
make jokes I shouldn't. When I give advice, I don't include the Bible. Sure, I'll
give advice from it, but I won't say where it's from. And I know I need to remember
24/7 that I'm representing Jesus. And I'm going to try harder. I prayed with a work
friend for lunch. And honestly, I'm so proud of myself for that. She's the only one
that goes to a church, but she's not on fire, you know? I know if I get her into my church,
the rest of them will be more likely to visit. Anyways, I'm trying. And I know I can do better.
So I'm going to be intentional. Even more so. So as I go to work today and Debbie talks
my ear off about her son and her boyfriend and all these other things that annoy the heck out
of me, I'm not going to try to get away from her. I'm going to listen. To love on her. As hard
as it might be. I spent the weekend with a good friend of mine, and we read our Bible, and prayed
together, and had a little worship session.. and it was so nice. So inspiring. What she saw when she
read was that she needs to put her trust in Jesus, and not in her job, her friends, her family.. and I
agree. I suck at that too. So, we're working on that. And I found that we shouldn't push away the
needy people and deem them as people who want attention, but like Jesus let the children come
to him, we should let these people come to us for help and show them His love. It was very eye
opening. And then we prayed, and golly. It just feels so good to know that someone is agreeing
with you in prayer. When two people agree for anything in Jesus name, God said it would be given
to us. So I'm believing for answers. And our worship session.. was like therapy. So beautiful.
We sat in a little tiny music practice room at Kent with our guitars, and just started playing worship
songs, and singing, and closing our eyes and remembering who we live for, and that we don't need
to worry. It was incredible, and went on for about on hour. And now that I think about it.. I'm doing
better than I used to. Sure, I used to read the Bible more, but I feel like I just read it and that's all.
And sure I used to play worship music alone more often. And maybe I just looked better then because
I just hung out with church friends, and did all these good things.. but now, I'm reading the Bible with
people. Hearing what they have to say about it. Sharing with them, and learning from them. I'm praying
with people, which has been a huge step for me. I used to get so nervous about praying in front of people,
and now I'm mostly okay. I'm worshiping with people, playing guitar in church, playing guitar to serve at
events, and just entering in. I'm hanging out with work friends, trying to show them the love that's been
shown to me instead of just hiding inside the 4 walls of the church. People look at me differently because
of who I hang around. Just like the Pharisees were talking about Jesus eating with sinners. Sick people
need a doctor. Yeah, we need church friends to live with and grow with, but we can't be so worried
about our reputation that we don't reach out to others. So.. I'm less of a Pharisee now. Because I feel
like that's how I was before. I'm trying to be more like Jesus, everyday. And I'm doing my best.
I guess what I'm saying is, is that everything is going to be okay. I've got the maker of the universe
beside me, and nothing can shake me.
~Vivian
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