And honestly, this past month has been the hardest of my life. Oh my word you would not even believe the stuff I've been through. I've dealt with creeps, awkward people dancing not just in front of me- but at me while I'm playing with my band, some WAY overly emotional guys, deaths, and just plain out sin and struggle. I don't have much patience for creeps. And I have the emotional range of a teaspoon, so dear emotional guys, I'm sorry that I hardly care about how you're feeling when it comes to me- especially when I've already got enough other things on my plate. I'm not perfect. Oh lawdy, I know. It's a shocker right? In fact, just like Paul says about himself in the Bible, I'm probably the chief of all sinners. But at least I'm not some holier than thou pharisee who won't admit it. I've learned so much about myself, and other people in this past month. And I didn't think it was possible to be shocked by people ever again after all that happened to me in the internship. But I was proven intensely wrong. It really isn't good when you're so blind to someone who's pretty much controlling you like a puppet on a string. I don't take well to that. So now that I'm out- there's no way I'm going back. I will not be tied down. And I will never, ever judge a person before knowing their story ever again. That kid that you think is really immature, and you think you have figured out, well- you're probably wrong. Ask them what's going on in their life, and ask them genuinely. People put on such a facade to hide their problems. We're all more broken than we lead people to believe. And I'm sick and tired of everyone hiding it. And I'm even more sick and tired of us so called "Christian's" not reaching out to these people. Because they could be on the verge of ending their life. Your Christian friend could be contemplating suicide. Or feeling useless and hopeless. And what are you doing? Sitting there wondering why they act the way they do. Who are we to judge? And how can someone have the right to get mad at someone for comforting someone when they're crying, because they feel like they own the person? I'm sorry, but that just sickens me. The more I think about all of this, the more I'm amazed that God loves me. If I feel so much sorrow for someone who's in a huge mess because of their past mistakes and their current sin, how much more does God feel that for me, and the whole universe? It makes me so badly want to do better. And I am. I'm back on track with my devotions. I'm praying more than I'm thinking. And I'm getting my head on straight. I was a fool. I was played like a game. And maybe to this person it seems the other way around, but I don't see it one bit. Forever The Sickest Kids says it right, "You were fake, I was great, nothing personal." And maybe this is way too harsh. But I need to rant. And the person will never read this. I forgive them, yes. But I'm sick and tired of being told that everything I do is wrong. Just because it's not with them or for them. I gave and gave and got nothing in return. And I know that's what I'm called to do, but when you're taken advantage of, it just gets a little ridiculous. I just.. I know it's wrong that everything this person does now makes me want to rip my hair out. And they aren't even here in person. They'll be back soon, and I know I have to make amends or this will destroy me. It's just so annoying right now. It blows my mind, that in the same day, one person can view you as a picture of God's never-ending grace, and another person can view you as the devil. Sometimes I wish God had never created the whole, "relationship-marriage-guy/girl" thing. Sometimes I wonder what He was thinking. But then I think of how rewarding it is when it's done right. And it gives me hope. I'm done being a fool. I'm done listening to outside voices. It's God and I. What He says, goes. Period. I know I'm going to get so much hate for everything that I'm going to do in the next few months. The reasons being: 1. Someone is going to say I'm compromising what I've been looking for. And that is not at all true. I've found what I've been looking for, and just because it's not perfect doesn't mean it's wrong. Because, earth to people, nothing in this world will be perfect until Jesus comes back. Sometimes you just gotta take the leap of faith. 2. Some people are going to think things of me that aren't true. Jesus got hated on for hanging out with so-called, "Sinners", and I will too. And I don't care. I'd rather hang out with sinners who admit their sin and try to get out of it, than pharisees who hide their sin and stick their nose up at everyone. It's not going to be easy. And I've finally quit caring what other people think. Jesus was absolutely right. They hated Him. So if they hated Him, why should I be trying to make everyone like me? I'm not better than Jesus. So being hated is almost a give-in. And I don't care anymore. Say what you will. Judge me. Think I'm a bad person. But it's not like you know what goes on in my life. I don't care what you think of me, cause either way you're gonna think what you believe. If I were trying to please people, I wouldn't live my life sold out to God. My world has been pulled in so many different directions. And I've finally come to an understanding of things that most people never do. My problems are insignificant compared to most peoples. My life is actually really good compared to what some people are going through. I'm doing better than I think I am. I'm a good example. I'm reaching people for God. No one wants to hear some holier than thou, stuck up, person. They want someone who will meet them where they're at and just love them. And that's what I intend to do. If you're going to look down on me for it, I'm sorry, hypocrite. I love everyone, yes. But I'm not going to spend my time around those who are just going to talk me down to other people. I'm exhausted. I don't know what the next step is. But I know God is in control and that everything will be okay. It's all out of my control now, but God's strength works best in weakness. So I'm letting go. He's provided me with what I need through all of this. He's got my back. And I know I have two people who love me very much and will be with me through it. And I love them so much. I just need Jesus, my two friends, a notebook and pen, and lots of coffee, and I know I'll get by just fine. And not only will I get by, but I'll love every minute of it. I know this might not make sense. I just need to get it all out. So I'm sorry if I wasted your time with this post. It's just what I needed to do. And I hope you know that God loves you.
~Ms. Conduit
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