I'm deeply sad. Like, do you ever just feel sad and your heart can feel it? Your heart literally aches and feels heavy, but it's not a crying type of sad? I mean, sometimes you cry but it's deeper than that. Tears won't relieve it. You know you might feel better in the morning but you're just not tired. You want to sleep to ease it. It's how I feel. And I know God is here with me. I just.. can't bring myself to be strong now. Someone important to me might have cancer. It's also possible that they don't. I'm praying and believing they don't. But it's such a heavy weight. It's like when you see things happen to other people and think, "That'll never happen to me." But here it is.. happening. And I'm so sick to my stomach. I'm believing they'll be alright. And I know it's probably nothing. But the possibility.. is so scary. And to add to it.. and the disastrous, painful conversation I had to go through tonight... someone from the past decided to add me on facebook. And it's messing with my head. Not like, any feelings I have. Just.. Why would this person add me? Why now? Is it because they have nothing better to do or because I made a difference or what? I don't particularly want to see them again. But I don't not want to. And then there's that other person who kind of made a lot of this pain and these thoughts go away, and I don't know what's going on with that. Or if I'm going to see them again soon or not. And I'm about to just drop it all and go live in the mountains and talk to God. But I know I can't. I know he's put me here to help people.. but I just don't feel cut out for this. I'm emotional and a wreck right now and my life is a freaking triangle and I don't want to talk about it to anyone because no one will understand so I'm blogging about it for anyone who wants to look and it kind of scares me but then again I don't care. I want to move away. But I'm too scared. I'm holding on but I want to let go but I'm scared to and I'd probably fail and starve and be poor if I tried to move far away. I just wanna be strong for everyone. I hate how my parents are disappointed and mad because I got a tattoo. I hate that so much. It's not wrong. I talked to God about it. Believe me I did. And I feel fine about it. But they're so hard headed. I just hate how it brought a string of other things along with it. Like, I'm apparently bad for staying out late. Ooooo! I stay out and sing worship songs with friends and have life conversations or play board games or sit at campfires or lakes and just enjoy life. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex. So staying out is not a bad thing. I'm an adult. I've been an adult. So why are they still trying to control everything? Can't they be proud? I'm living my life the best I can. For goodness sake, I spent nearly $200 on gift cards for all the people in my department when I quit my job, including the people who hated me because I wanted to show them love in some way to prove that I meant all the kindness I showed them. And it touched a lot of people. I wasn't doing it to show off or make anyone proud. I wanted to show God's love. But my parents, they didn't care. A certain family member said I was doing it for attention. It made me sick. But.. not everything that happened is bad. An atheist was really touched by it. A very lost girl heard about it and was touched and asked to have breakfast with me so we could talk about God and when I said one check and was paying for hers, she grabbed it and paid for it instead. Someone who hated me cried and hugged me and added me on facebook and comments on my posts. And I just.. wow. It just changed my heart. It definitely is better to give than to receive. And.. I got the job at starbucks. My cheesy dream job. But I am ecstatic. And I'm hoping with my spare time I'll be able to start up another band and get back to music. I know I'll forget how sad I am when the morning comes and everything will be good again.. but the fact is, right now I'm so sad. And my guitar is out in my car and I wanna sing worship songs but I'm too scared to go get it and it's cold as crap outside. I know those are terrible excuses but.. well, it's true. I might just lay down and see if I can sleep. Cause this is pointless. I just wanted to rant to someone or something. I don't know.

blah.