I guess what I've realized is that I'm still here. There's a song by Yellowcard called "Here I am alive", and it describes me. Basically talks about all the hard situations you've faced and how if you could talk to your past self you'd say it gets better and that  you get past those impossible things. And I can get past these impossible things that I'm facing. Even if it's harder than other situations. They always get harder. But I've always made it out.

Here's my probs.
I've got this dude that I've went on a few dates with and he is literally so awesome.
Minus the fact that I have no clue what he wants. He doesn't talk to me outside of the dates.
Which basically gives me the idea that this is done even  though he said he likes me and
wants to see me again. It's been a week and a half. All the texting that was done was done because
of me. So.. though he was so fantastic, I guess it's time to give that up.
Then someone from the past who really hurt me, but I let them go on a good note..
Well they decide to add me on facebook. And that's a huge deal for this person.
They wouldn't add me for no reason. So though I shouldn't over think it, I am.
I'm wondering why he did it. What he wants. What he has to say. I guess being curious
really will kill the Kat. So number two guy who's leaving me clueless. And again,
all I can do is ignore the situation and try to forget the conclusions in my mind.
Then.. we've got the ex. Gosh darn feelings that were there before and come and go.
Only because he keeps pushing it as far as I can tell. We hang out sometimes. And we
have a nice time together. He's just.. so immature and selfish sometimes. Okay, a lot.
And I'm always the adult. And it's frustrating. And he has to have his way. I'm not
saying I'm perfect but good grief I'm trying at least. It feels one sided. Every time
he thinks he's won me back, he stops being awesome. So I don't know.
I guess the moral of the story is this: I have 5 cats. I only need like 3 more and I can become
a crazy cat lady and be single forever. Works for me.
But wait! Maybe I can wipe all these guys off the slate. Why? I just got hired at Starbucks.
You know what that means? Artistic, mature, creative, adult tattooed males that are generally
what I look at. And hopefully a lot of them love Jesus and are total nerds like me.
Though.. I don't want to find more than one awesome guy.
I sound like a crazy high schooler right now.. Ha. I guess all I'm asking for is one guy who
will make me forget all this stupid stuff so I can move on with my life. And I know I don't
need that and that God is enough, but you know how this late night over thinking crap goes.
I don't use logic or reason or anything I know.
But besides the dudes..

My gosh dang parents. I'm never gonna be good enough for them and I don't know why I torture myself by trying. I'm "evil" for getting a tattoo. I talked to God about this tattoo thing a lot. Believe me. And I did my research on what the context of "Don't mark your body" means. And tattoos are most assuredly different. But still. I'm a "terrible" person for getting a tattoo. And oh by golly, I'm so darn bad for staying out late at night with friends playing worship songs on guitar or board games or having conversations about life and God and love. Of course I'm out "drinking, smoking, and having sex" yes, I the good christian virgin girl. No! I'm out spending time with my friends doing good things. I'm so sick and tired of hearing them say, "The dark is evil. Only bad people are out at night." That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And of course I got to hear how dumb I am for quitting my 60+ hour a week job that was destroying my body, keeping me from church, and ruining my friendships. Yes I'm such a moron for doing something good for myself. Plus I already have a job. And more lined up if I need them. I'm not worried. I've kept my areas clean. My part of the house is nice though theirs looks like hoarders. And I'm not good enough? I'm a slob? Why don't I clean their part too? What am I? I don't do drugs or drink or smoke. I'm waiting til marriage for sex. I'm not a bum who sits around all day. I pay for all my own stuff. I've got a good relationship with God. I read my Bible. I go to church. I do good deeds. I follow God. But I'm still not good enough. Forget the whole darn thing and everything that comes with it. I'm done trying to please them. I'll never be perfect.

Here's the good news... when I quit Nickles, I went in and gave all of the people in my department gift cards. Even the people who hated me. And I guess it really changed a lot of hearts. People are asking me more about God now then they did when I worked there and tried to tell them. And I'm happy. Today.. a friend and I went to the house of a girl who hates us and left a card and a bunch of candy, snacks, and presents on her doorstep and ran like the dickens. I'm spending more time with friends. I get to freaking work at one of my dream jobs making coffee. There is hope. I'm not giving up. I'm just a little worn out and tired of people. But I know it'll be okay. I know it. Someday.

Poop.

I'm deeply sad. Like, do you ever just feel sad and your heart can feel it? Your heart literally aches and feels heavy, but it's not a crying type of sad? I mean, sometimes you cry but it's deeper than that. Tears won't relieve it. You know you might feel better in the morning but you're just not tired. You want to sleep to ease it. It's how I feel. And I know God is here with me. I just.. can't bring myself to be strong now. Someone important to me might have cancer. It's also possible that they don't. I'm praying and believing they don't. But it's such a heavy weight. It's like when you see things happen to other people and think, "That'll never happen to me." But here it is.. happening. And I'm so sick to my stomach. I'm believing they'll be alright. And I know it's probably nothing. But the possibility.. is so scary. And to add to it.. and the disastrous, painful conversation I had to go through tonight... someone from the past decided to add me on facebook. And it's messing with my head. Not like, any feelings I have. Just.. Why would this person add me? Why now? Is it because they have nothing better to do or because I made a difference or what? I don't particularly want to see them again. But I don't not want to. And then there's that other person who kind of made a lot of this pain and these thoughts go away, and I don't know what's going on with that. Or if I'm going to see them again soon or not. And I'm about to just drop it all and go live in the mountains and talk to God. But I know I can't. I know he's put me here to help people.. but I just don't feel cut out for this. I'm emotional and a wreck right now and my life is a freaking triangle and I don't want to talk about it to anyone because no one will understand so I'm blogging about it for anyone who wants to look and it kind of scares me but then again I don't care. I want to move away. But I'm too scared. I'm holding on but I want to let go but I'm scared to and I'd probably fail and starve and be poor if I tried to move far away. I just wanna be strong for everyone. I hate how my parents are disappointed and mad because I got a tattoo. I hate that so much. It's not wrong. I talked to God about it. Believe me I did. And I feel fine about it. But they're so hard headed. I just hate how it brought a string of other things along with it. Like, I'm apparently bad for staying out late. Ooooo! I stay out and sing worship songs with friends and have life conversations or play board games or sit at campfires or lakes and just enjoy life. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex. So staying out is not a bad thing. I'm an adult. I've been an adult. So why are they still trying to control everything? Can't they be proud? I'm living my life the best I can. For goodness sake, I spent nearly $200 on gift cards for all the people in my department when I quit my job, including the people who hated me because I wanted to show them love in some way to prove that I meant all the kindness I showed them. And it touched a lot of people. I wasn't doing it to show off or make anyone proud. I wanted to show God's love. But my parents, they didn't care. A certain family member said I was doing it for attention. It made me sick. But.. not everything that happened is bad. An atheist was really touched by it. A very lost girl heard about it and was touched and asked to have breakfast with me so we could talk about God and when I said one check and was paying for hers, she grabbed it and paid for it instead. Someone who hated me cried and hugged me and added me on facebook and comments on my posts. And I just.. wow. It just changed my heart. It definitely is better to give than to receive. And.. I got the job at starbucks. My cheesy dream job. But I am ecstatic. And I'm hoping with my spare time I'll be able to start up another band and get back to music. I know I'll forget how sad I am when the morning comes and everything will be good again.. but the fact is, right now I'm so sad. And my guitar is out in my car and I wanna sing worship songs but I'm too scared to go get it and it's cold as crap outside. I know those are terrible excuses but.. well, it's true. I might just lay down and see if I can sleep. Cause this is pointless. I just wanted to rant to someone or something. I don't know.

blah. 

Lost and found

The more I'm lost, the more I'm found.

But I'm so freaking confused. 

Something good will happen, but something

bad will follow it. What am I supposed to make

of this? I know things can't always be good.

But for pete's sake, could I just get a break from this?

I'm not saying I deserve one. Because I know I don't.

But still.

In any case, things aren't as bad as they were.

It's just those little things. Like children spitting on me

at work, and having to clean blood off the coinstar machine

cause some weird guy decided, "Oh I'm just gonna leave

my blood here so other people can clean it up and get diseases."

And HR not being happy with my hair. Uh, it's normal colors bro.

The book just says no crazy colors. My hair is half black, and half blonde.

So, I think that's a little unfair. If they try to make me change it, I honest

to goodness will search harder for a new job, because it's not worth

it to not do what I want with my hair for 18 or so hours a week. 

I wanted full time. I'm hardly getting part time. Everyone's hours are

cut, and it's just really annoying. We all need new jobs. 

I'm trying Nickels bakery. That's that. They won't mind my hair.

And I'll get full time, plus two dollars more than I'm making now.

I might actually get somewhere in  life. 

Even though yesterday was really bad at work, it wasn't.

Gina saw I was sad, and she bought me a gift basket. And that

just.. made me so happy. Knowing that someone cares. 

And I know people do care.. it's just hard for me to always be sure.

Like, how I am with God.. if He's trying to tell me something, I won't

get it unless it's an obvious blatant sign. And me with people, I won't

see they care unless they show it in some way. I'm not saying they

have to buy me stuff. Because honestly, 99% of the time I'll reject it.

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. Or a hug. It varies. 

Anyways, I don't know where I'm going with this. Something amazing

happened yesterday. After months on end of begging him to sing, I got

to hear him sing for the first time. And oh my goodness. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

Just like a worship leader. Just like that soothing voice that just, takes you away.

You know what I mean? I was pleasantly surprised. And I can't wait for other

people to hear it. February 17th. Him and I are dueting "Nothing But The Blood"

At the next Dale Settle Jr. event. I sang at the last one and played guitar. And 

oh my goodness, I love that group of people. I love serving those who are in need,

and just.. seeing people feel the love of Jesus through others. It's the most beautiful

thing. And I've come to realize that I haven't been the best representative of Jesus.

I mean, I invite my work friends to church numerous times, and I'm nice to them..

But.. I also gossip. I also let myself become upset too easily over little things. I

make jokes I shouldn't. When I give advice, I don't include the Bible. Sure, I'll

give advice from it, but I won't say where it's from. And I know I need to remember

24/7 that I'm representing Jesus. And I'm going to try harder. I prayed with a work

friend for lunch. And honestly, I'm so proud of myself for that. She's the only one 

that goes to a church, but she's not on fire, you know? I know if I get her into my church,

the rest of them will be more likely to visit. Anyways, I'm trying. And I know I can do better.

So I'm going to be intentional. Even more so. So as I go to work today and Debbie talks

my ear off about her son and her boyfriend and all these other things that annoy the heck out

of me, I'm not going to try to get away from her. I'm going to listen. To love on her. As hard

as it might be. I spent the weekend with a good friend of mine, and we read our Bible, and prayed

together, and had a little worship session.. and it was so nice. So inspiring. What she saw when she

read was that she needs to put her trust in Jesus, and not in her job, her friends, her family.. and I

agree. I suck at that too. So, we're working on that. And I found that we shouldn't push away the

needy people and deem them as people who want attention, but like Jesus let the children come

to him, we should let these people come to us for help and show them His love. It was very eye

opening. And then we prayed, and golly. It just feels so good to know that someone is agreeing

with you in prayer. When two people agree for anything in Jesus name, God said it would be given

to us. So I'm believing for answers. And our worship session.. was like therapy. So beautiful.

We sat in a little tiny music practice room at Kent with our guitars, and just started playing worship

songs, and singing, and closing our eyes and remembering who we live for, and that we don't need

to worry. It was incredible, and went on for about on hour. And now that I think about it.. I'm doing

better than I used to. Sure, I used to read the Bible more, but I feel like I just read it and that's all.

And sure I used to play worship music alone more often. And maybe I just looked better then because

I just hung out with church friends, and did all these good things.. but now, I'm reading the Bible with

people. Hearing what they have to say about it. Sharing with them, and learning from them. I'm praying

with people, which has been a huge step for me. I used to get so nervous about praying in front of people,

and now I'm mostly okay. I'm worshiping with people, playing guitar in church, playing guitar to serve at

events, and just entering in. I'm hanging out with work friends, trying to show them the love that's been 

shown to me instead of just hiding inside the 4 walls of the church. People look at me differently because

of who I hang around. Just like the Pharisees were talking about Jesus eating with sinners. Sick people

need a doctor. Yeah, we need church friends to live with and grow with, but we can't be so worried

about our reputation that we don't reach out to others. So.. I'm less of a Pharisee now. Because I feel

like that's how I was before. I'm trying to be more like Jesus, everyday. And I'm doing my best.

I guess what I'm saying is, is that everything is going to be okay. I've got the maker of the universe

beside me, and nothing can shake me.

~Vivian

I remember before when I'd say, "It seems like you don't want to talk right now." your response would be something like, "No no! Of course I do. I'm sorry I was just busy doing -insert here-" But now it's, "SEE?! Where are you getting this crap from?"
I don't understand. At all. When all you respond with is an "Ok." When I say I'm sorry for something that I don't even know I did wrong.. You're like a chick. They send off these mixed messages and you never know why they're upset. Why can't you just be blunt like you used to? You're freaking killing me. You're getting mad at me for stupid reasons. And I'm trying my hardest to show you the love that Jesus has been showing me, but I'm falling apart. I don't know what's making you so mad lately. I have an idea of what it is. And I know that if you keep letting it effect you, it'll take you over. And I don't want to see that happen. I'm praying so hard for you. For this. For everything. And I know I can't be mad at God because I see no results, because I know it's in His timing.. I just.. I'm nearly at the end of my rope, and what if I keep hoping and praying and you don't? Where do I stand then? I'm trying so hard and you can't see it and I don't know if it's that thing that's blinding you, or if I'm just wrong. But I'm certain God would show me if I'm wrong because I've been asking Him to reveal it to me. I'm struggling. I'm tired. I'm crying like a baby. And not to mention this secret that I can't tell you is killing me. If it were up to me, I'd tell you. And maybe it'd break this wall between us. But it's not mine to tell and it's absolutely destroying me. I cry about it daily. I feel alone. I feel so lost. God, help me. Save me. I've been making sure we read our Bibles together daily, and do our devotional, but is it doing anything? I know it has to be because God's Word never comes back void. I know it fulfills it's purpose. But like David said, How long Oh Lord? God please give me some type of answer. Or if nothing else, some hope and encouragement. I don't want to try to talk to some christian leader and sound like I'm bashing the people in my life by sharing this stuff with them. It's just so hard. I'm weak.
I'm worn. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to bite my tongue, and I'm afraid I'm going to bite it off soon.
I don't know how much longer I can keep these tears hidden in my room. How much longer I can keep up this charade. Fix me, Jesus, fix me.

~Vivian

Circle Of Life

Thank God I bought my drumset, is all I can say.
I hate being angry, and I hate showing my anger. So beating on some drums is definitely the best thing to do.
As of my week of teaching myself, so far I can play:
Yellow by Coldplay
Holding Onto You by Twenty One Pilots (sounds SWEET btdubbs)
Attitude by The O.C. Supertones (almost)
And I'm working on This Is For Real by Motion City.
It's been an adventure. It surely helps relieve everything I've been keeping in.
But right now, it's late. And something is bothering me.
And this time, it's my mother. For the first time in ages, I call her and ask, "Can you bring me a coffee? I don't feel good, and a treat would help." and she complains about how she's busy and just wants to get home, so I say, "Okay nevermind." Later, I'm doing my devotions, and I always silence my phone when doing so. When I check my phone I see two missed calls from her, and I call back. Her first words? "Too late. You didn't answer to tell me what you wanted, so I'm almost home." And I honestly almost blew up. But instead I said okay and hung up. Why was I angry? Because after living with me for 19 years, shouldn't she know what I like? And that since mcdonalds is the only coffee choice in this town, I ALWAYS get a caramel mocha? Without fail. Everytime. She should know that. And she does. I honestly cannot for the life of me figure out what her problem is. I know it's dumb. But it just irritated me and I don't want to yell at her when I go downstairs, so I'd rather blow up for the whole internet to see. It's just.. it's like this; I've been super intentional lately about fixing my mom and my relationship. I've not said anything negative, I've massaged her feet and watched a movie with her, I've tried to talk to her because she says I don't tell her about my life(which by the way, when I do she doesn't listen. she just tunes into her facebook game or whatever crap she's doing and says "what?" after I finish a 10 minute story), I've bought her flowers, I've done the dishes, I honestly don't know what she wants from me. And it's so frustrating.
On a brighter note, someone told me I look like Melanie from "the voice". I don't watch tv, so clearly I had to look her up, but I did, and that is SO flattering! She's intensely lovely, her voice is even kind of similar to mine. And her hair.. definitely thinking about doing that. I've got brown and blonde hair now. Half black/half blonde isn't too different. Minus the fact that it'd be cruella deville style. Anyways, I'd just like a break from all the difficult people. I know it's me I need to work on, and I'm trying. But since I've been trying, everyone else has gotten more difficult. WHAT GIVES?

~Vivian

Betting on a dead horse.

I'm tired of everyone telling me what's good for me. For once, I'd like to make my own decisions without someone getting mad at me for it. I don't want to be molded by other people. I want it to be God and I. Sure, if someone gives me advice, I'll consider it. But when they get mad at me for not doing what they tell me to, I just get so.. frustrated. I'm tired of being bossed around. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm getting my life in order. I have two jobs. I'm trying to get one full time one and quit these. But I'm wrong because I won't find a job in a different town and move there right now? Why don't you move to my town? Not so fun being on the other end, is it? I said I wanted to move out, but I didn't say I wanted to move right beside you.
I want to be between the two places I love, and I'll worry about that once I have means of transportation. I don't want you to be mad at me for it. Or for buying a drumset. I bought the drumset because it's the only one I'll be able to find for that price, and I happen to think it was a good deal. You can't get mad at me for it. Sure, you think it's a piece of junk, but I've actually been playing it constantly, and I adore it. And I ask you for easy songs to learn on drums, and you ignore me? You can't at least help me since the "damage" is already done? I guess I can do this alone. I just can't stand getting nagged at or ignored for making my own decisions. If I was married and I was sharing my money with someone, I absolutely wouldn't buy a random drumset. But I'm just me for now, so I am pretty sure I can do whatever I want with my money. Besides, I already spend half of it on you. Not that I mind it, because I don't. But shouldn't you be happy that I bought something that I enjoy when you're the one who told me I shouldn't save all of my money or I'll go insane from not buying myself something every once in a while? I just.. don't know what you expect of me. I'm trying to be perfect, but we all know that can't happen. I did nothing wrong by buying this drumset. I'm not doing anything wrong by getting a new job in my town. I'm working so hard. And I haven't nagged at you for the fact that you haven't got a job, because I'm understanding. I know you care about me. And I know you're trying. But could you PLEASE for the sake of all that is good in the world, stop trying to control my life?

~Vivian