Lost and found

The more I'm lost, the more I'm found.

But I'm so freaking confused. 

Something good will happen, but something

bad will follow it. What am I supposed to make

of this? I know things can't always be good.

But for pete's sake, could I just get a break from this?

I'm not saying I deserve one. Because I know I don't.

But still.

In any case, things aren't as bad as they were.

It's just those little things. Like children spitting on me

at work, and having to clean blood off the coinstar machine

cause some weird guy decided, "Oh I'm just gonna leave

my blood here so other people can clean it up and get diseases."

And HR not being happy with my hair. Uh, it's normal colors bro.

The book just says no crazy colors. My hair is half black, and half blonde.

So, I think that's a little unfair. If they try to make me change it, I honest

to goodness will search harder for a new job, because it's not worth

it to not do what I want with my hair for 18 or so hours a week. 

I wanted full time. I'm hardly getting part time. Everyone's hours are

cut, and it's just really annoying. We all need new jobs. 

I'm trying Nickels bakery. That's that. They won't mind my hair.

And I'll get full time, plus two dollars more than I'm making now.

I might actually get somewhere in  life. 

Even though yesterday was really bad at work, it wasn't.

Gina saw I was sad, and she bought me a gift basket. And that

just.. made me so happy. Knowing that someone cares. 

And I know people do care.. it's just hard for me to always be sure.

Like, how I am with God.. if He's trying to tell me something, I won't

get it unless it's an obvious blatant sign. And me with people, I won't

see they care unless they show it in some way. I'm not saying they

have to buy me stuff. Because honestly, 99% of the time I'll reject it.

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. Or a hug. It varies. 

Anyways, I don't know where I'm going with this. Something amazing

happened yesterday. After months on end of begging him to sing, I got

to hear him sing for the first time. And oh my goodness. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

Just like a worship leader. Just like that soothing voice that just, takes you away.

You know what I mean? I was pleasantly surprised. And I can't wait for other

people to hear it. February 17th. Him and I are dueting "Nothing But The Blood"

At the next Dale Settle Jr. event. I sang at the last one and played guitar. And 

oh my goodness, I love that group of people. I love serving those who are in need,

and just.. seeing people feel the love of Jesus through others. It's the most beautiful

thing. And I've come to realize that I haven't been the best representative of Jesus.

I mean, I invite my work friends to church numerous times, and I'm nice to them..

But.. I also gossip. I also let myself become upset too easily over little things. I

make jokes I shouldn't. When I give advice, I don't include the Bible. Sure, I'll

give advice from it, but I won't say where it's from. And I know I need to remember

24/7 that I'm representing Jesus. And I'm going to try harder. I prayed with a work

friend for lunch. And honestly, I'm so proud of myself for that. She's the only one 

that goes to a church, but she's not on fire, you know? I know if I get her into my church,

the rest of them will be more likely to visit. Anyways, I'm trying. And I know I can do better.

So I'm going to be intentional. Even more so. So as I go to work today and Debbie talks

my ear off about her son and her boyfriend and all these other things that annoy the heck out

of me, I'm not going to try to get away from her. I'm going to listen. To love on her. As hard

as it might be. I spent the weekend with a good friend of mine, and we read our Bible, and prayed

together, and had a little worship session.. and it was so nice. So inspiring. What she saw when she

read was that she needs to put her trust in Jesus, and not in her job, her friends, her family.. and I

agree. I suck at that too. So, we're working on that. And I found that we shouldn't push away the

needy people and deem them as people who want attention, but like Jesus let the children come

to him, we should let these people come to us for help and show them His love. It was very eye

opening. And then we prayed, and golly. It just feels so good to know that someone is agreeing

with you in prayer. When two people agree for anything in Jesus name, God said it would be given

to us. So I'm believing for answers. And our worship session.. was like therapy. So beautiful.

We sat in a little tiny music practice room at Kent with our guitars, and just started playing worship

songs, and singing, and closing our eyes and remembering who we live for, and that we don't need

to worry. It was incredible, and went on for about on hour. And now that I think about it.. I'm doing

better than I used to. Sure, I used to read the Bible more, but I feel like I just read it and that's all.

And sure I used to play worship music alone more often. And maybe I just looked better then because

I just hung out with church friends, and did all these good things.. but now, I'm reading the Bible with

people. Hearing what they have to say about it. Sharing with them, and learning from them. I'm praying

with people, which has been a huge step for me. I used to get so nervous about praying in front of people,

and now I'm mostly okay. I'm worshiping with people, playing guitar in church, playing guitar to serve at

events, and just entering in. I'm hanging out with work friends, trying to show them the love that's been 

shown to me instead of just hiding inside the 4 walls of the church. People look at me differently because

of who I hang around. Just like the Pharisees were talking about Jesus eating with sinners. Sick people

need a doctor. Yeah, we need church friends to live with and grow with, but we can't be so worried

about our reputation that we don't reach out to others. So.. I'm less of a Pharisee now. Because I feel

like that's how I was before. I'm trying to be more like Jesus, everyday. And I'm doing my best.

I guess what I'm saying is, is that everything is going to be okay. I've got the maker of the universe

beside me, and nothing can shake me.

~Vivian

I remember before when I'd say, "It seems like you don't want to talk right now." your response would be something like, "No no! Of course I do. I'm sorry I was just busy doing -insert here-" But now it's, "SEE?! Where are you getting this crap from?"
I don't understand. At all. When all you respond with is an "Ok." When I say I'm sorry for something that I don't even know I did wrong.. You're like a chick. They send off these mixed messages and you never know why they're upset. Why can't you just be blunt like you used to? You're freaking killing me. You're getting mad at me for stupid reasons. And I'm trying my hardest to show you the love that Jesus has been showing me, but I'm falling apart. I don't know what's making you so mad lately. I have an idea of what it is. And I know that if you keep letting it effect you, it'll take you over. And I don't want to see that happen. I'm praying so hard for you. For this. For everything. And I know I can't be mad at God because I see no results, because I know it's in His timing.. I just.. I'm nearly at the end of my rope, and what if I keep hoping and praying and you don't? Where do I stand then? I'm trying so hard and you can't see it and I don't know if it's that thing that's blinding you, or if I'm just wrong. But I'm certain God would show me if I'm wrong because I've been asking Him to reveal it to me. I'm struggling. I'm tired. I'm crying like a baby. And not to mention this secret that I can't tell you is killing me. If it were up to me, I'd tell you. And maybe it'd break this wall between us. But it's not mine to tell and it's absolutely destroying me. I cry about it daily. I feel alone. I feel so lost. God, help me. Save me. I've been making sure we read our Bibles together daily, and do our devotional, but is it doing anything? I know it has to be because God's Word never comes back void. I know it fulfills it's purpose. But like David said, How long Oh Lord? God please give me some type of answer. Or if nothing else, some hope and encouragement. I don't want to try to talk to some christian leader and sound like I'm bashing the people in my life by sharing this stuff with them. It's just so hard. I'm weak.
I'm worn. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to bite my tongue, and I'm afraid I'm going to bite it off soon.
I don't know how much longer I can keep these tears hidden in my room. How much longer I can keep up this charade. Fix me, Jesus, fix me.

~Vivian

Circle Of Life

Thank God I bought my drumset, is all I can say.
I hate being angry, and I hate showing my anger. So beating on some drums is definitely the best thing to do.
As of my week of teaching myself, so far I can play:
Yellow by Coldplay
Holding Onto You by Twenty One Pilots (sounds SWEET btdubbs)
Attitude by The O.C. Supertones (almost)
And I'm working on This Is For Real by Motion City.
It's been an adventure. It surely helps relieve everything I've been keeping in.
But right now, it's late. And something is bothering me.
And this time, it's my mother. For the first time in ages, I call her and ask, "Can you bring me a coffee? I don't feel good, and a treat would help." and she complains about how she's busy and just wants to get home, so I say, "Okay nevermind." Later, I'm doing my devotions, and I always silence my phone when doing so. When I check my phone I see two missed calls from her, and I call back. Her first words? "Too late. You didn't answer to tell me what you wanted, so I'm almost home." And I honestly almost blew up. But instead I said okay and hung up. Why was I angry? Because after living with me for 19 years, shouldn't she know what I like? And that since mcdonalds is the only coffee choice in this town, I ALWAYS get a caramel mocha? Without fail. Everytime. She should know that. And she does. I honestly cannot for the life of me figure out what her problem is. I know it's dumb. But it just irritated me and I don't want to yell at her when I go downstairs, so I'd rather blow up for the whole internet to see. It's just.. it's like this; I've been super intentional lately about fixing my mom and my relationship. I've not said anything negative, I've massaged her feet and watched a movie with her, I've tried to talk to her because she says I don't tell her about my life(which by the way, when I do she doesn't listen. she just tunes into her facebook game or whatever crap she's doing and says "what?" after I finish a 10 minute story), I've bought her flowers, I've done the dishes, I honestly don't know what she wants from me. And it's so frustrating.
On a brighter note, someone told me I look like Melanie from "the voice". I don't watch tv, so clearly I had to look her up, but I did, and that is SO flattering! She's intensely lovely, her voice is even kind of similar to mine. And her hair.. definitely thinking about doing that. I've got brown and blonde hair now. Half black/half blonde isn't too different. Minus the fact that it'd be cruella deville style. Anyways, I'd just like a break from all the difficult people. I know it's me I need to work on, and I'm trying. But since I've been trying, everyone else has gotten more difficult. WHAT GIVES?

~Vivian

Betting on a dead horse.

I'm tired of everyone telling me what's good for me. For once, I'd like to make my own decisions without someone getting mad at me for it. I don't want to be molded by other people. I want it to be God and I. Sure, if someone gives me advice, I'll consider it. But when they get mad at me for not doing what they tell me to, I just get so.. frustrated. I'm tired of being bossed around. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm getting my life in order. I have two jobs. I'm trying to get one full time one and quit these. But I'm wrong because I won't find a job in a different town and move there right now? Why don't you move to my town? Not so fun being on the other end, is it? I said I wanted to move out, but I didn't say I wanted to move right beside you.
I want to be between the two places I love, and I'll worry about that once I have means of transportation. I don't want you to be mad at me for it. Or for buying a drumset. I bought the drumset because it's the only one I'll be able to find for that price, and I happen to think it was a good deal. You can't get mad at me for it. Sure, you think it's a piece of junk, but I've actually been playing it constantly, and I adore it. And I ask you for easy songs to learn on drums, and you ignore me? You can't at least help me since the "damage" is already done? I guess I can do this alone. I just can't stand getting nagged at or ignored for making my own decisions. If I was married and I was sharing my money with someone, I absolutely wouldn't buy a random drumset. But I'm just me for now, so I am pretty sure I can do whatever I want with my money. Besides, I already spend half of it on you. Not that I mind it, because I don't. But shouldn't you be happy that I bought something that I enjoy when you're the one who told me I shouldn't save all of my money or I'll go insane from not buying myself something every once in a while? I just.. don't know what you expect of me. I'm trying to be perfect, but we all know that can't happen. I did nothing wrong by buying this drumset. I'm not doing anything wrong by getting a new job in my town. I'm working so hard. And I haven't nagged at you for the fact that you haven't got a job, because I'm understanding. I know you care about me. And I know you're trying. But could you PLEASE for the sake of all that is good in the world, stop trying to control my life?

~Vivian