It's time for me to be honest with you blogger. Instead of jumping on here and saying what a wonderful week I had, I'm going to tell the truth.

The past week was the week from hell.

I have no other way to put it. It sucked royally. And excuse me for being honest. Now that that's out of the way, Jesus is still my joy. Everything else was destroyed but I came out alive holding onto Him. Let me say this- I've learned this past week that putting hope in anything other than Jesus only tears you apart. I'm still standing strong but it hurts. There's pain. I know it will all be okay though. And another thing that made yesterday awful, well it was due to my own irresponsibility. I have nothing to say for myself for getting locked out of the house. I'm going to use more wisdom next time. As for the other thing, I'll be amazed if I ever develop feelings willingly for another human being again. I will take most of the credit for this. But still, I was lead on. Despite the fact that I'm not having another relationship until internship is done, it doesn't take feelings away. Unfortunately. So I let myself have feelings. And be charmed. Stupidest thing I've ever done. The sad thing is, he's a really good guy. He's probably unaware of it all. The leading me on, and everything else. He's just in la-la land, thinking about how he can change the world. And yes, that's a nice place to be... But I don't think you should overlook the people right in front of you. Enough of that though. I was going to say I'm going back to the whole "a woman should be so lost in God that a man has to be in Him to find her" or whatever, but I realized I've already been doing that. And I still am. Said guy just found me unintentionally, and decided I'm not worth waiting a little bit of time for. Or maybe not. I am harshly saying all this, because him and I haven't even talked about it. He doesn't know that I know. And I should stop. I just need to rant. Usually I'm strong. I'm kind to everyone. I can hold my emotions back. But like I said; week. from. hell. This next week WILL be from heaven. I won't settle for less. I won't even get into what else happened last week.

But on the bright side, we had more band photographs taken. And they're so much better than the last ones. They're amazing! And we recorded our first song today. It'll be on facebook tomorrow. And that makes me super happy. Tomorrow will be great just because of that, if nothing else. Tuesday we're playing at muggswigz for open mic. I still hold hopes that so and so will show up, but it will be fantastic even if he doesn't. Basically, all of my energy is going into God, and the band. I want to get my mind off of this. I really need a job too. I'm going back to the hotel tomorrow for a follow-up, and then getting an application at subway in Canton if that doesn't get me anywhere. I need distractions. Maybe this will be the jumpstart in my ministry.

So there you have it blogger,

I'm weak sometimes. But He is my strength.

"Well I pretend

I just need me
I seem so strong
But it's make believe

Cuz I've seen love fail
I've been betrayed
I've seen love pass
I've seen love fade

But I know that God is not that way
He doesn't change from day to day
He doesn't fail he doesn't leave
And I want that so desperately

(chorus)

He loves broken hearts
Faith like a child
And now here I come
With just a broken heart
And faith like a child

I want love love love
I want perfect love.
I want love love love
I want perfect love.
Will someone tell me where to find
Some place to ease my troubled mind (X2)

I want love love love
I want perfect love." -supertones

Rant rant rant

It's amazing how one day something is true, but in a few days it completely changes and it seems it's not true anymore. That's why I'm so glad that through all of this I have Jesus. Really guys. He's the one thing that never changes. He's my best friend through it all and I just love Him. I can't think of any fancier words; I just love Him. As simple as it sounds, in Him my heart is found.

Anyway, things have been crazy. But then again, what else is to be expected from my life? I'm going to live an extraordinary life, everyday, because of God's grace. The only thing that can empower me. Lets see, what's happened since I've been gone... Well, the band got asked by a ministry if we'd play next year in their events. That was a major surprise. I'm super excited about it. We had band photographs taken on Saturday, and they're awesome. We're getting more this Saturday. We're going to be recording a song on Sunday, and putting it on our page- which by the way has 72 likes now *dances*. It's ALL for Jesus. I'll never let myself forget that. It's not about me, or the band, it's about Jesus. We're going to touch lives, and lead people to Christ, through Christ. Internship yesterday was epic. I love going to TCO and helping those who are homeless. Amy and I were singing and dancing as we cleaned the bathrooms, and Matt told us to hush, but 5 minutes later he was singing along. And on the ride back to the church, Matt was wearing a cat mask and meowing at people as we drove by. Don't try to tell me church people can't have fun :P We have more fun than the average folks! Than folks who aren't Christian's. We learned about fasting in internship last week, and I felt lead to do the Daniel fast. To be honest, I wasn't sure why. So I decided it was for answers for my own selfish needs. But God definitely humbled me during it (I was during it Friday-Sunday) and an hour after I started it, my sister texted me and said she was thinking about going to church Sunday. My sister hasn't been to church in YEARS. I was so excited. I realized the fast was for her. I'd never realized the importance of fasting. I'd always prayed for my sister to come to church, but she never did.. then, when I fasted.. she did. And she really showed up. Her boyfriend too even. I was SO pumped. So I'm beginning to understand that as much as I don't like it, and as bad at it as I am, fasting is super important for breakthrough. So, so important. I'll be using it whenever it feels like answers to prayer aren't coming. God just wants to see if He can trust me, and I want to be faithful, so faithful. I want to be an example to others. An example to the girls in the connect group I co-lead. I don't want to go through this life without seeing God work mightily on my behalf. Also, Janelle said she'd come to church tonight. YESSSSSS! She hasn't been to church in about a month and a half, and I'll always have a burden for her. We have such a crazy story as friends. Though she doesn't even realize it. God definitely turned things around in that situation. He changed me so much. Wow. A hopeless case, an empty place, if not for grace. So, quick recap on the good news and anything I might of missed; sister came to church, Janelle's coming to church, the band is doing great, God's revealing so much more to me, I'm becoming more outgoing, internship is getting better and better, I'm not as sick as I was last week(I'm healed in Jesus name!), and I'm dancing with Jesus.


Shall we share the so-so news, or the stuff I'm confused about? Why not. I still can't find a job. I'm believing God for the perfect job with the perfect hours, but it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. But I know He will provide. It's just not easy going without money. If I had moved out like I was going to, I'd be doomed. As much as I don't like Bolivar, I'm glad I stayed for the time being. I'm afraid I'll never move forward though. I don't want to live at home forever. That's what I'm scared of, but I know that's from the devil. He's just trying to place fear in my life, but I won't let that happen. The man I dared to have interest in.. well, he's still super nice as ever. It just feels like constant mixed signals. I know he's not trying to do that, and he doesn't even realize I have feelings for him. Or maybe he does, it beats me. For all I know, he does know and he's just trying to let me down easy. But then again, other times he talks to me a lot and says I look pretty, it's quite confusing honestly. BUT I'm going to trust God with this. If it's meant to be, he will make the first move. Because the guy is always supposed to make the first move. Yesterday I sort of had an emotional breakdown. I cried, and he saw. He acted like he cared, but I could tell he didn't know what to do. Today, I'm better. I just think I needed to be weak for a moment. I've been strong for too long. Now, it's time for Jesus' strength to work through me. I. can't. do. this. alone. I know that now. This life is too hard to get through without Jesus constantly in everything I do. And it's so breezy with Him by my side, I don't know how I could ever forget how wonderful it is to just be in His presence. I just love Him. I do. Maybe you're reading this and you're not a Christian and you think I'm crazy. I am. But you haven't experienced what I have. If you did, oh man. Your love would never be the same. I'm willing to talk to you about it if you ever want to talk. Or anything in general. I don't care who you are, what you believe, I love people. I love to help. But yeah. Reading back through, the good seems to outweigh the bad. So I'm trusting God with the rest of this stuff.


Sometimes I wish I could start over completely. Like, I wish I could re-come to faith family. Change a lot of the things from the past 7 months. But you know what? If I did that, I wouldn't of seen all that God has brought me through. The bad times are as worth as much as the good, because you get to see God work on your behalf. Romans 8:28 God makes all things work together for the good of those that love Him. It takes a lot of trusting, but oh my gosh. It's always worth it. In the end, the bad times turn into good. And it's so worth it. You can help others who are struggling with something you have struggled with, and see them come out standing strong. And that my friend, is a wonderful feeling. We're not meant to go through this life alone. We've got to be united. Stand together as one. It's time to make the One Common Cause winning people to Christ. The "normal" will be people meeting together for bible study. The "normal" will be doing your daily devotions. The "normal" will be reaching out to others. One. Common. Cause.


So anyway, now that I've ranted on so many different things, I've gotta get ready for internship. Blogger, thank you for being here when I need to rant. I will never stop blogging to you. ♥

-Ms. Conduit

I love you all!

As I sit here eating my blueberry muffin, and drinking my pumpkin spice, french vanilla mocha(I ran out of pumpkin spice creamer) I overthink. I mean, who doesn't overthink anymore these days? But last night. It was one of the worst things I've experienced concerning church people. Now, if you've been following my blog for a while, you know I love my church. And you know I love everyone. But last night.... first of all, bible study. All I'll say about that is.. I invited my friend who's baptist, and we're non-denominational. Not that it bothers me, because he's just as saved as I, or anyone else for that matter. Ironically, the guy who was speaking started talking about prayer. We got into talking about tongues(which baptists don't use) and it all went downhill. The guy who was speaking said to my friend, "We believe what's biblical. Hopefully someday you come to understand it." Jaw. Drops. THAT IS NOT RIGHT! You don't just tell someone that what they believe is wrong. That probably ruined my friends idea of our church, just because of someones ignorance. I almost threw up, right then and there. I will not be taking any advice from this man, ever. He could of destroyed my friends faith, or his view of christians. And it makes me sick. You don't just tell someone that just because they don't believe tongues are for today, that they're wrong. Come on now! And oh look, it gets worse. So after this some of us went to a friends for food. We all got in a circle and prayed. Some people were getting extremely loud, and it made me think of the Pharisees. They look good on the outside, but their hearts are far from God. And honestly, that's what I felt. I didn't at all feel at peace with this. And then someone who was praying yelled "PRAY LOUDER, IRON SHARPENS IRON" and I nearly walked out of the room. God isn't deaf, and neither are we. We don't need to hear someone praying to feel the comfort of it. My goodness. All I can say is, it felt like I was in a room full of Pharisees. Some of them anyway. Maybe some were just naive. And my few good friends who probably felt the same way, stayed quiet as I did. Then the "pharisees" asked me what my deal was, if I needed prayer for anything. Well, yes. I do. But no way was I about to let them pray for me. I want real heartfelt spirit lead prayer. Not someone who's trying to get attention and look holy. My view of some people has been changed. Yes, I still love them. But do I want to be around them and experience this again? No. Absolutely not. In different news, feelings are extremely lame. Especially when they're for someone you don't want to have feelings for. I mean, this person is extremely nice and fits my standards but... he's not exactly my... type? I guess. I'm just trusting God with this. I'm gonna stick to my guns and be the girl who's hard to win. I mean, I'm not having any relationship until internship is done anyway. I just want to see if someone will wait for me. Til I'm out of internship. That, will prove to me that I'm worth it to them. So we'll see what happens. But today is going to be good. No pharisees, no know it all's... just a lovely day of internship, drawing close to God, prayer, and working at TCO to help the homeless. I will not let today be ruined. And God is walking by my side all the while.

What is there to fear when You're beside me, You are my strength You're my strong tower.

~Ms. Conduit

I forgot to mention, about the pharisees. The bible says to enter the kingdom of heaven you must be more righteous than the pharisees. It says this because the pharisees only make themselves look good on the outside, but their hearts are evil. Make your heart pure, and it'll show up on the outside. ♥

Oh hai there, I'm posting a random song I just wrote.

P.s. No it's not inspired by anyone. It's just a random song about a man who doesn't exist. OooooooOoOooOOO. xD

"Perfect Words"
By: Christina Shumard

Why do you make me feel this way
You give me something I can't explain
You can always turn around my dreary days
Oh what can I say,
Oh ay Oh ay

Why do you make me want to sing
About all of the silly things
Why does your smile speak to me
About all that you hide inside
What do I say, I can't decide

You make me feel like the April rain
You make me bloom like the flowers in may
Somehow, oh darling dear
I'll let go of these fears
And find a way, to put a smile on your face
But until that day,
I'll just try to find the perfect words to say
oh ay oh ay

There you stand, with your charming smile
Oh I can't understand, won't you stay awhile
And teach me, show me who you are
Just who you are
Oh ay, oh ay

Because I believe
There's more to you than can be seen
Show me your world, show me your heart
Because I believe we can go far
Lets save the world, take it by storm
You and I