The cynic in me is coming back. At full force. And honestly- it scares me and makes me really, really upset at the same time. I keep thinking of how out-to-get-me people might be. And it's sickening. I keep thinking of the mistake that someone who means a lot to me made. And I'm actually just dwelling on it, and I know that's a bad place to dwell. I hate the thought. I hate the feeling it's giving me. I just want to run. I don't know what to do.

~le sigh

I have nothing to say right now. God.. help me.

~Ms. Conduit

So, a certain person wrote something for me. And I want to rant about it, and say what I'd really say to them if they would let me, so I'm going to let it all out on here. I know they'd never hear me out, or would throw excuses at me and interrupt. So, here's my responses to what they had to say.

1. "And while you probably don't want to hear anything from me.."

See, here's the thing. I wanted to hear what you had to say. I gave you chance after chance, day after day. I paid for every time we spent together, and did all the hard work, and put up with the weather. Since you thought it fit for you to tell me in poetry, that's how I'll respond, for my blog, to release steam. I wanted to listen, I really did, but you made it so hard, and that's why I quit.

2. "I didn't know how to respond when you used to just look at me."

That's just it, I liked to just be. To watch you smile and hear your heartbeat. But for you it was all about doing something, whether it was going to eat or watching TV. But those things aren't what I live for, or what makes me happy. I like to look at the stars, and laugh and to talk. And to just go on long walks. But I always sacrificed, did what you wanted to. Even though the same thing for me, you would never do.

3. "And everything about you, physically speaking, is literally everything I've been seeking."

You rarely told me I was beautiful. You didn't take the time to look into my soul. And when you saw me without makeup, and I tried to hide, all you had to say was that I look "fine". Just that it was different, that it wasn't me. I'm not me without makeup? That's slightly insulting. I know I always wear it, and I love black lined eyes, but I can't believe you said without it I'm not me. What about what's inside?

4. "Whoever ends up with you, well they better be the best because you don't deserve anything less."

I don't see why you didn't think that before it was too late. You regret it now, because your loss was great. I pulled both of our weight. And now it's far too late. They say you don't know what you have until it's gone, and that's true, but you never had me because deep down I knew it was wrong. You're not what I need or even what I desire, you were too self centered, and it made me tired. I know you say you're different, but you had your chance and lost it. And in response to this line, I'd like to let you know, that I've found the best and I won't let it go. So in that you got your wish, but I'm something you'll greatly miss.

5. "I would want a second chance with you, I would want that so bad/But I know you don't think I deserve that and it's probably something I will never have."

You say you want a second chance, but you've missed the point, you don't understand. I've given you many more than that, everytime you upset me, everytime you made me mad. I would forgive and overlook, all of your mistakes. Your immaturity, and me always paying for our "dates". I thought that it was fine, and that someday you'd be a man. And maybe I wouldn't always have to do everything, that someday you'd make a stand. But you remained lazy and with no ambition, so I couldn't stand it, and that's one reason why I'm missing.

6. "Mostly because we didn't survive even one spell of stormy weather."

That's what I hate, that you just won't get. It wasn't one spell, it was a storm that wouldn't quit. You took and took, and I gave and gave. But you took until, I couldn't stand it anymore one day. I realized I don't have to live with you in a storm, I came across someone who gave me a shelter and was warm. And while you might hate me, don't misunderstand. I did care about you, and none of this was planned. I just let myself keep at this, at the expense of myself. I didn't want to destroy you, so I put at risk my own health. My hope for something truly beautiful, was shatter because I wanted to protect you from a broken soul. But I came to realize, it's not me who broke you. We break ourselves, believe me it's true. You placed your trust on me, and that was your downfall. For God is the only one who keeps us standing tall. So please, take the storm away. I've had enough, and we're both to blame.

7. "And I know you probably don't think you did anything wrong.."

On the contrary, I know I've done wrong. You think I blame you, but a lot of this is my fault. I should of never said I liked you, should of never let it get this far. Should of never spent so much time in your car. I compromised myself, and all that I want, and I know you might hate me, but I have to be blunt. You aren't what I'm looking for, not in that way. And though you're hoping it will, that fact just cannot change. I lied to myself, and I lied to you. And I didn't even mean to. I was lost and young, and couldn't find who I was. But now that I know, who I'll become. It's time for me to move on, this is wrong, and I'm done.

I want you to know how sorry I am. But I'm done.

I've found what I'm looking for, and it's not you.

I'm done with you.

I've been gone for a long, long time.

And honestly, this past month has been the hardest of my life. Oh my word you would not even believe the stuff I've been through. I've dealt with creeps, awkward people dancing not just in front of me- but at me while I'm playing with my band, some WAY overly emotional guys, deaths, and just plain out sin and struggle. I don't have much patience for creeps. And I have the emotional range of a teaspoon, so dear emotional guys, I'm sorry that I hardly care about how you're feeling when it comes to me- especially when I've already got enough other things on my plate. I'm not perfect. Oh lawdy, I know. It's a shocker right? In fact, just like Paul says about himself in the Bible, I'm probably the chief of all sinners. But at least I'm not some holier than thou pharisee who won't admit it. I've learned so much about myself, and other people in this past month. And I didn't think it was possible to be shocked by people ever again after all that happened to me in the internship. But I was proven intensely wrong. It really isn't good when you're so blind to someone who's pretty much controlling you like a puppet on a string. I don't take well to that. So now that I'm out- there's no way I'm going back. I will not be tied down. And I will never, ever judge a person before knowing their story ever again. That kid that you think is really immature, and you think you have figured out, well- you're probably wrong. Ask them what's going on in their life, and ask them genuinely. People put on such a facade to hide their problems. We're all more broken than we lead people to believe. And I'm sick and tired of everyone hiding it. And I'm even more sick and tired of us so called "Christian's" not reaching out to these people. Because they could be on the verge of ending their life. Your Christian friend could be contemplating suicide. Or feeling useless and hopeless. And what are you doing? Sitting there wondering why they act the way they do. Who are we to judge? And how can someone have the right to get mad at someone for comforting someone when they're crying, because they feel like they own the person? I'm sorry, but that just sickens me. The more I think about all of this, the more I'm amazed that God loves me. If I feel so much sorrow for someone who's in a huge mess because of their past mistakes and their current sin, how much more does God feel that for me, and the whole universe? It makes me so badly want to do better. And I am. I'm back on track with my devotions. I'm praying more than I'm thinking. And I'm getting my head on straight. I was a fool. I was played like a game. And maybe to this person it seems the other way around, but I don't see it one bit. Forever The Sickest Kids says it right, "You were fake, I was great, nothing personal." And maybe this is way too harsh. But I need to rant. And the person will never read this. I forgive them, yes. But I'm sick and tired of being told that everything I do is wrong. Just because it's not with them or for them. I gave and gave and got nothing in return. And I know that's what I'm called to do, but when you're taken advantage of, it just gets a little ridiculous. I just.. I know it's wrong that everything this person does now makes me want to rip my hair out. And they aren't even here in person. They'll be back soon, and I know I have to make amends or this will destroy me. It's just so annoying right now. It blows my mind, that in the same day, one person can view you as a picture of God's never-ending grace, and another person can view you as the devil. Sometimes I wish God had never created the whole, "relationship-marriage-guy/girl" thing. Sometimes I wonder what He was thinking. But then I think of how rewarding it is when it's done right. And it gives me hope. I'm done being a fool. I'm done listening to outside voices. It's God and I. What He says, goes. Period. I know I'm going to get so much hate for everything that I'm going to do in the next few months. The reasons being: 1. Someone is going to say I'm compromising what I've been looking for. And that is not at all true. I've found what I've been looking for, and just because it's not perfect doesn't mean it's wrong. Because, earth to people, nothing in this world will be perfect until Jesus comes back. Sometimes you just gotta take the leap of faith. 2. Some people are going to think things of me that aren't true. Jesus got hated on for hanging out with so-called, "Sinners", and I will too. And I don't care. I'd rather hang out with sinners who admit their sin and try to get out of it, than pharisees who hide their sin and stick their nose up at everyone. It's not going to be easy. And I've finally quit caring what other people think. Jesus was absolutely right. They hated Him. So if they hated Him, why should I be trying to make everyone like me? I'm not better than Jesus. So being hated is almost a give-in. And I don't care anymore. Say what you will. Judge me. Think I'm a bad person. But it's not like you know what goes on in my life. I don't care what you think of me, cause either way you're gonna think what you believe. If I were trying to please people, I wouldn't live my life sold out to God. My world has been pulled in so many different directions. And I've finally come to an understanding of things that most people never do. My problems are insignificant compared to most peoples. My life is actually really good compared to what some people are going through. I'm doing better than I think I am. I'm a good example. I'm reaching people for God. No one wants to hear some holier than thou, stuck up, person. They want someone who will meet them where they're at and just love them. And that's what I intend to do. If you're going to look down on me for it, I'm sorry, hypocrite. I love everyone, yes. But I'm not going to spend my time around those who are just going to talk me down to other people. I'm exhausted. I don't know what the next step is. But I know God is in control and that everything will be okay. It's all out of my control now, but God's strength works best in weakness. So I'm letting go. He's provided me with what I need through all of this. He's got my back. And I know I have two people who love me very much and will be with me through it. And I love them so much. I just need Jesus, my two friends, a notebook and pen, and lots of coffee, and I know I'll get by just fine. And not only will I get by, but I'll love every minute of it. I know this might not make sense. I just need to get it all out. So I'm sorry if I wasted your time with this post. It's just what I needed to do. And I hope you know that God loves you.

~Ms. Conduit