And all you're ever gonna be is mean.
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me,
And all you're ever gonna be is mean,
Why ya gotta be so mean? - Taylor Swift.
Oh my goodness, Taylor Swift I freakin'
love you. ♥
And oh my goodness, I'm speechless.
Not in a bad way though. Not in the
least. It seems like everything is going
my way. And it's still snowing! I'm so
gonna play in it by myself tomorrow.
xD yay for living in the middle of nowhere
with no other human life around.
It seems the unsaid words speak the most,
in good ways and bad ways. I'm getting both
of those right now. But more of the good ones,
because I'm a winner. I've always had a
knack for winning. In the end I always win.
I was born to win. Therefore, I am a winner.
In all the ways that matter most. Freakin'
awesome!
Also, I've been trying to remember this movie
for like two weeks now, with like a giant robot thing
and it's a cartoon. My friend just told me what it
was. "The iron giant". So happy about that. It's been
bugging me. I think I liked that movie... in the past.
I wanna watch it. Thanks Christopher. :P
And definitely digging how special I feel lately. I mean,
God's been helping me out. Raining down blessings and,
I've just been keeping my focus on Him. I got some new
friends. And a friend with a special connection. That's just
so weird. But, wow. I mean, I don't even know how to explain
my life lately.
It's like,
Things were dull, and I was just trying
to get through life on my own. I was trying
twice as hard to be satisfied, without God's
help. Oh, I mean I was living for Him. I just didn't
ask Him about the things I should of. I did without
asking. It didn't get me anywhere. Sigh. But!
Then,
I woke up one day. I prayed. I returned everything
to God. I've been asking before doing. And then,
bam. Awesome new friend with special odd weird
strange totally random neato connection.
And also, 2 hours or longer phone calls every night.
Just being able to talk about life, to learn things I could
never understand before. To talk about God, and share
different views. To... I don't know. It's so hard to explain.
I'm dancing around my house to my ipod. No one else but me
hears the music. They all think I'm weird, but I'm just having the
time of my life. I'm drinking coffee out of my new starwars mug and
just smiling. I'm dying to play in the snow, which was something I
never really wanted to do before but now it sounds incredible. I'm
still sitting on my porch in freezing cold weather, but totally being
fine with it. I'm reading my bible everyday, no matter if I put it off
til late and then want to just sleep, I do it regardless. I'm shouting out
praises. I'm starting to not care if people approve of who I really am.
I'm starting to find who I really am.
And that, is a broad subject in itself. Who. I. Am. This, is another thing.
My friend helped me figure out what my problem was. I mean, other people
had told me this same thing. But I didn't understand. I thought it was stupid.
Until my awesome friend who says things in a way I can understand, said
it in a whole new way. And I'm like, holy freakin' crap that's true. You see,
myself got lost. In a dark scary place called "people". Man, my eyes have just
been opening to so many things. If I'm not happy with myself, it's generally
because someone else is "better than me". I'm sure everyone just rolled their
eyes. But I mean, come on. It's totally true. Nothing else can make me more
unhappy with myself than someone else being chosen before me, being more
special than me, I don't know. You see, I've always been a back up plan for
people. But I am one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'd deal with it,
if someone needs help I'll help them. If someone needs a friend when there's
no one "better" around, I'll be that friend. I let myself get lost in so much due
to people. Who I am? I'm figuring it out now. It can't be defined by another
person. I've finally realized that. Thank you to my friends, for always telling
me. Thank you to my sort of, favorite friend at this point in time, for telling
me in a way that I would understand and not roll my eyes at. I'm not here
to be cool anymore. I'm not here to worry about how I look anymore. I'm
not even here to impress you anymore. I'm here, to live life. And I'm here to
be happy with life. I'm here to have fun and live for God because it's what
makes me smile. I'm here to be okay with people laughing at me, if it's making
them laugh then... fine. I'm cool with it.
Life has become an unhappy thing for people. It was never meant to be
that way. All people are doing, is complaining about life. It's supposed to
be a happy thing. I'm gonna do my best to make people smile. I'm not gonna
be uptight. I don't need to impress anyone. Someone can see me and think
"wow, she's weird looking." or something. But then, you know what's gonna
happen? Absolutely nothing. I mean, what are they gonna do? Put on their
facebook status that they saw this weird girl? Probably not. They will forget
in only a matter of minutes. And then it won't matter. At all. Why did I ever
care so much about such silly things before? Why did I let people drag me
down?
It's all okay now. People won't stop me, but I won't stop them.
I'll do my best to help out, I'll make people laugh. I'll try to make
this life more enjoyable for others. But not to the point where I
don't even know who I am anymore. Too many people defined me.
You don't define me.
Who are you to tell me,
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you, who are you?
I don't need to listen,
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no I won't try.
-Barlowgirl
So I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I'm gonna be myself. Oh my gosh, isn't that so cheesy?
People always say "Be yourself" and I say "this is myself?"
But.. I guess I think about it in a new way now.
"Why try to be like someone else,
when you can only be yourself?"
I realized, when I don't feel pretty enough it's
because I see someone that I think is prettier than
me. So, I try to do my makeup and hair like theirs.
And generally, it's just not me. If I think someone
is cool, I add a little bit of their personality to mine.
And I do that with so many people. I've discovered,
I was a big mess of different peoples personalities,
all mixed up into one really strange person.
"No one can sing the song you do, be true be
legendary you."
No one can be what I am. So why oh why,
would I care so much about impressing other
people and take on others personalities and
traits? I was made this way for a reason. God
wants me to be who I am. And you know what
I'm going to do?
I'm gonna be myself. Even if you think it's
corny. ♥
So I'm gonna throw this out there.
Inner freakin' nerdom. I'm obsessed with
starwars. I love
than any person should. I could talk about
how that video game has changed my life
for hours on end. And apparently that's
something only guys can do mostly,
that's what my friend said anyways.
I'm a dork. I'll run around my house yelling
silly things. I talk to myself, more than a
normal person should. My mother thinks
I've lost it. But I, on the other hand, think
I've found it. I write poems about everything.
I have tons of them. I talked to someone for
basically the first time because I had a dream
about them. I took the risk of sounding really
weird and explained the dream. Somehow,
I explained some of their house. Without even
knowing. I believe it's a God-thing. A God given
friendship. Books are a Godsend, also. I don't know
what I would do without books. I read all the time.
I like weird books. Ones that most people have never
heard of. They'll be all "oh what's your favorite book
besides the bible?" and I'll go on and on about a series
they of course have never heard of. Books, are
awesome. I get grossed out by sappy couples, but yet
I love romance and tend to be sappy sometimes myself.
Well, actually I don't know about that. I remember
basically everything a person says. If there's a quote they
use a lot, I'll say it to them a few times just to make them
smile. I think possums are cute. Also, I don't mind it if my
cat eats a mouse. Because that's normal. But I think setting
mouse traps is a horrid thing, and I will never do it. I'd rather
the cat eat it. If someone says they'll call me back, I stay up
waiting until they do. I believe people when they say things
like that. It's the deeper stuff I find hard to believe. I eat.
All the flippin' time. Pretzel m&ms are amazing. I don't
understand why I'm not overweight. I'm almost always
eating. Um.. I play runescape. And I'm not afraid to admit
it, because I like runescape. It's fun to me. Everyone else
can tell me how lame it is and how lame I am for playing it,
but I don't give a crap. Another awesome thing about my
God-sent friend xP "You play runescape?!" ..."Yes, please
don't say I'm lame for it like everyone else does."..."No no!
you're not lame. that's really cool. I play it too, it's awesome."
Oh my goodness, I about fell out of my chair. A runescape liker.
Hard to find these days. I mean, outside of runescape. I don't
think I ever go to bed before midnight. And I usually wake up
at like noon. But lately, I've been going to bed late and waking up
at 9. Without an alarm. How awesome is that? And, I'm amazing
at the art of ranting for hours on end about nothing. Yeah. If you
need a ranter, I'm yo girl. I dunno, there's just so much I could
say about myself. I guess I'll tell more as I learn it. I'm learning
about people. I'm learning about myself. I'm learning about
life.
Adventure is all I've ever wanted while on this earth.
-Ms. Conduit
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