A double shot of honesty.

You want honesty?
Well, here it is.

I've always been the "I'll take care of myself"
type. I've always walked alone. It wasn't always
my choice, it's just what was given to me.
You see, my siblings were all older than me.
When they still lived at home with me, I had
no problems. I didn't need to talk to anyone,
I didn't need help, I was just a kid. As I started
growing up, they all moved out one by one.
And suddenly, I was alone. Not that it much
mattered, because I was always a weird child
to begin with. When I could of been inside with
my siblings, watching movies with them, I was
instead outside. Alone, exploring the small world
that I was stuck inside of. Catching frogs and snakes,
just being a kid. Walking along the lake, thinking
deeper thoughts than a child should think.
Once everyone left, I was stuck in a semi- new town.
With just my parents, my home church, and the small
youth group down the street. I invested two years of
my life into that youth group, but yet I still felt like
the new kid that everyone was afraid to talk to. And
the one person who was my absolute best friend there
ended up going far away anyways. I was just a lonely
young teenager. I had the wrong kinds of friends at
my home church. You think church kids are perfect?
Think again. I got stuck in a crowd of people who were
doing all the things that I was trying to avoid. I was
lost, and eventually I quit spending time with that crowd.

I've always walked alone. Sure, sometimes a person
would join me on my walk, but it has never lasted very
long. I guess I'm just one of those people. People walk into
my life when they're having problems, ask me for help,
and when I give them their help, they're gone.
And I'm okay with that. As long as I can help someone,
or brighten their day, they can ditch me all they want.

As for taking care of myself?
Well, you see.. I've never had that "helping hand"
that some people have. That person they can talk
to whenever, about anything. I thought I had one
of those people at one point, but that changed.
It's been two years since. Yes, I've got Jesus. And
He's probably the only reason I'm still sane to be
honest. Anyway, I've always had a thing for rejecting
peoples help. It's nothing against anyone. I fall, you
hold your hand out to help me up, chances are, I'm not
gonna take it. I don't know how to let people take care
of me. But, that's just a part of me, I guess.

So, there you have it. I've always been that weird loner
kid. The weird homeschooled kid. And basically, now that
everyone is moved out, an "only child".

I may seem a little distant. And hard to understand.
It might be hard for me to tell you things,
but that's just how it is. It's always been me. Only me.

I walk alone, but you can feel free to walk beside me.
If you surprise me and stay by my side, maybe just
maybe I'll let you know my heart.

-Ms. Conduit