I guess what I've realized is that I'm still here. There's a song by Yellowcard called "Here I am alive", and it describes me. Basically talks about all the hard situations you've faced and how if you could talk to your past self you'd say it gets better and that  you get past those impossible things. And I can get past these impossible things that I'm facing. Even if it's harder than other situations. They always get harder. But I've always made it out.

Here's my probs.
I've got this dude that I've went on a few dates with and he is literally so awesome.
Minus the fact that I have no clue what he wants. He doesn't talk to me outside of the dates.
Which basically gives me the idea that this is done even  though he said he likes me and
wants to see me again. It's been a week and a half. All the texting that was done was done because
of me. So.. though he was so fantastic, I guess it's time to give that up.
Then someone from the past who really hurt me, but I let them go on a good note..
Well they decide to add me on facebook. And that's a huge deal for this person.
They wouldn't add me for no reason. So though I shouldn't over think it, I am.
I'm wondering why he did it. What he wants. What he has to say. I guess being curious
really will kill the Kat. So number two guy who's leaving me clueless. And again,
all I can do is ignore the situation and try to forget the conclusions in my mind.
Then.. we've got the ex. Gosh darn feelings that were there before and come and go.
Only because he keeps pushing it as far as I can tell. We hang out sometimes. And we
have a nice time together. He's just.. so immature and selfish sometimes. Okay, a lot.
And I'm always the adult. And it's frustrating. And he has to have his way. I'm not
saying I'm perfect but good grief I'm trying at least. It feels one sided. Every time
he thinks he's won me back, he stops being awesome. So I don't know.
I guess the moral of the story is this: I have 5 cats. I only need like 3 more and I can become
a crazy cat lady and be single forever. Works for me.
But wait! Maybe I can wipe all these guys off the slate. Why? I just got hired at Starbucks.
You know what that means? Artistic, mature, creative, adult tattooed males that are generally
what I look at. And hopefully a lot of them love Jesus and are total nerds like me.
Though.. I don't want to find more than one awesome guy.
I sound like a crazy high schooler right now.. Ha. I guess all I'm asking for is one guy who
will make me forget all this stupid stuff so I can move on with my life. And I know I don't
need that and that God is enough, but you know how this late night over thinking crap goes.
I don't use logic or reason or anything I know.
But besides the dudes..

My gosh dang parents. I'm never gonna be good enough for them and I don't know why I torture myself by trying. I'm "evil" for getting a tattoo. I talked to God about this tattoo thing a lot. Believe me. And I did my research on what the context of "Don't mark your body" means. And tattoos are most assuredly different. But still. I'm a "terrible" person for getting a tattoo. And oh by golly, I'm so darn bad for staying out late at night with friends playing worship songs on guitar or board games or having conversations about life and God and love. Of course I'm out "drinking, smoking, and having sex" yes, I the good christian virgin girl. No! I'm out spending time with my friends doing good things. I'm so sick and tired of hearing them say, "The dark is evil. Only bad people are out at night." That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And of course I got to hear how dumb I am for quitting my 60+ hour a week job that was destroying my body, keeping me from church, and ruining my friendships. Yes I'm such a moron for doing something good for myself. Plus I already have a job. And more lined up if I need them. I'm not worried. I've kept my areas clean. My part of the house is nice though theirs looks like hoarders. And I'm not good enough? I'm a slob? Why don't I clean their part too? What am I? I don't do drugs or drink or smoke. I'm waiting til marriage for sex. I'm not a bum who sits around all day. I pay for all my own stuff. I've got a good relationship with God. I read my Bible. I go to church. I do good deeds. I follow God. But I'm still not good enough. Forget the whole darn thing and everything that comes with it. I'm done trying to please them. I'll never be perfect.

Here's the good news... when I quit Nickles, I went in and gave all of the people in my department gift cards. Even the people who hated me. And I guess it really changed a lot of hearts. People are asking me more about God now then they did when I worked there and tried to tell them. And I'm happy. Today.. a friend and I went to the house of a girl who hates us and left a card and a bunch of candy, snacks, and presents on her doorstep and ran like the dickens. I'm spending more time with friends. I get to freaking work at one of my dream jobs making coffee. There is hope. I'm not giving up. I'm just a little worn out and tired of people. But I know it'll be okay. I know it. Someday.

Poop.

I'm deeply sad. Like, do you ever just feel sad and your heart can feel it? Your heart literally aches and feels heavy, but it's not a crying type of sad? I mean, sometimes you cry but it's deeper than that. Tears won't relieve it. You know you might feel better in the morning but you're just not tired. You want to sleep to ease it. It's how I feel. And I know God is here with me. I just.. can't bring myself to be strong now. Someone important to me might have cancer. It's also possible that they don't. I'm praying and believing they don't. But it's such a heavy weight. It's like when you see things happen to other people and think, "That'll never happen to me." But here it is.. happening. And I'm so sick to my stomach. I'm believing they'll be alright. And I know it's probably nothing. But the possibility.. is so scary. And to add to it.. and the disastrous, painful conversation I had to go through tonight... someone from the past decided to add me on facebook. And it's messing with my head. Not like, any feelings I have. Just.. Why would this person add me? Why now? Is it because they have nothing better to do or because I made a difference or what? I don't particularly want to see them again. But I don't not want to. And then there's that other person who kind of made a lot of this pain and these thoughts go away, and I don't know what's going on with that. Or if I'm going to see them again soon or not. And I'm about to just drop it all and go live in the mountains and talk to God. But I know I can't. I know he's put me here to help people.. but I just don't feel cut out for this. I'm emotional and a wreck right now and my life is a freaking triangle and I don't want to talk about it to anyone because no one will understand so I'm blogging about it for anyone who wants to look and it kind of scares me but then again I don't care. I want to move away. But I'm too scared. I'm holding on but I want to let go but I'm scared to and I'd probably fail and starve and be poor if I tried to move far away. I just wanna be strong for everyone. I hate how my parents are disappointed and mad because I got a tattoo. I hate that so much. It's not wrong. I talked to God about it. Believe me I did. And I feel fine about it. But they're so hard headed. I just hate how it brought a string of other things along with it. Like, I'm apparently bad for staying out late. Ooooo! I stay out and sing worship songs with friends and have life conversations or play board games or sit at campfires or lakes and just enjoy life. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex. So staying out is not a bad thing. I'm an adult. I've been an adult. So why are they still trying to control everything? Can't they be proud? I'm living my life the best I can. For goodness sake, I spent nearly $200 on gift cards for all the people in my department when I quit my job, including the people who hated me because I wanted to show them love in some way to prove that I meant all the kindness I showed them. And it touched a lot of people. I wasn't doing it to show off or make anyone proud. I wanted to show God's love. But my parents, they didn't care. A certain family member said I was doing it for attention. It made me sick. But.. not everything that happened is bad. An atheist was really touched by it. A very lost girl heard about it and was touched and asked to have breakfast with me so we could talk about God and when I said one check and was paying for hers, she grabbed it and paid for it instead. Someone who hated me cried and hugged me and added me on facebook and comments on my posts. And I just.. wow. It just changed my heart. It definitely is better to give than to receive. And.. I got the job at starbucks. My cheesy dream job. But I am ecstatic. And I'm hoping with my spare time I'll be able to start up another band and get back to music. I know I'll forget how sad I am when the morning comes and everything will be good again.. but the fact is, right now I'm so sad. And my guitar is out in my car and I wanna sing worship songs but I'm too scared to go get it and it's cold as crap outside. I know those are terrible excuses but.. well, it's true. I might just lay down and see if I can sleep. Cause this is pointless. I just wanted to rant to someone or something. I don't know.

blah.