We're all mad here.

"The curtains close,

You've had your last show

And now I think it's best you go

And I'm just fine, I want you to know

I'm better off alone."

I'm not going to say things aren't alright, because they are. But this break from internship is absolutely driving me crazy. I've spent the past few days at work, all alone, working. And it's been way too much thinking time. Today was worse than usual, because I didn't even bother to look at my phone. I wondered. Is it smart to dare to open up to someone? This is something I struggle with a lot. Whether or not to trust, to open up. And so I've keep myself closed off. I may look like an open book, but you really have no idea. I keep almost opening up, sharing my heart with someone, but I'm thinking it's not going to happen. I've been through enough to know that sometimes you just can't trust someone. Sometimes it's better to keep your lips sealed, and to hide the key deep down.

I expect the unexpected, and I expect the highly unlikely. I look for the best in people, and I think that they'll go out of their way for me. I don't know why. But I do. I come up with these ridiculous scenarios, and expect someone to make them happen. And when they don't, I realize I knew all along that they wouldn't. I guess what I'm hoping for is for someone to actually follow through with what I expect. I'm impossible to surprise, but no one meets even my expectations. What is this? I want a surprise. I want the unexpected.

My relationship with God is seriously the thing that's pulling me through. Though I seem to be letting my emotions drag me down over and over. He stays right by my side, and no one else has done that for me. I'll never let go.

This is a pathetic situation. But aren't we just pathetic people? I have a feeling I'm going to spend the rest of my day singing myself sick. /goes to write a new song.

-Ms. Conduit

A rant, an oddball, and a contradiction.

I have nothing to complain about.

Just thoughts to be shared. This may not make sense, but since when have I made sense?

The idea that I'm a contradiction in an area of my life still stands. I'm a hopeless romantic who cannot stand the fact. I'm miss independent, who wants to be sassy and fine by herself, but still wants someone to love. And I wonder how this is. Regardless, I know God knows what He's doing, and I don't know what I'm doing. The past few months I've come to see who I am, and who I want to be. I've isolated myself from the human race. Yes, I have internship, work, band practice, and church, and am rarely home.. But you can easily be around people, and not around them at the same time. I've quit speaking my mind. And I don't know what to make of this. I've kept quiet. I've done my tasks to the best of my ability, completed everything, and went home to lay in bed until my thoughts lulled me to sleep. I've prayed about this. I've wondered what's happened to me. No one knows me truly. It seems no one has the time to spend to do so. I'm so closed off, and it's not the fault of those who are trying. It's my own fault. For letting the wrong people in before. And I fear that it will happen again. I don't want to be that way. I thought being this way was being strong, but I've come to see that it's weakness. I was never meant to be alone. I have the best of friends who see me on the surface, but I keep the rest hidden. Why can't I trust again? Why is this so hard? It seems like no one but God understands. I'm wondering if I'm being too ridiculous about this. If I should just open up and let someone know me. If I should just speak my mind, no matter how crazy it is. Or if I should wait, once again, for someone to come along and remind me of who I want to be. It happened once, but it was just the wrong place, the wrong time. I had lost myself in a different way in the past, and got caught up in something that I was never meant to. Someone who I will forever be grateful for, though they are not in my life anymore, got me out of that. Now, I'm just in a different situation. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe this is just a phase in growing up. I honestly don't know. After the events of the past few months, I can say that I won't be fooled again. I guess that's another reason why I don't want to trust anyone. I was made a fool of. I wasted time. Thoughts. And it wasn't worth it. The only thing it did was made me become more closed off. And through observing people, I've come to see who they are without even knowing them. It's become something I'm well at. Even when people appear to have good intentions, some of them are still only doing it for their own benefit. It's crazy to think that I feel like I'm so different that no one will ever figure me out. I mean, God did create me to be set apart, but is this the right kind of set apart? I've been studying the life of Paul lately, and I have so much in common with him. I do the things I don't want to do, while trying to do the things I do want to do. He was sometimes as much of a contradiction as I, but yet he still lived his life to glorify God. It amazes me. He didn't need anything. Only God. And I know that soon enough I'll figure this all out. Soon enough just seems too far away though.

~Ms. Conduit

'Cause if you close your eyes and listen close
You can hear the chapter close
And it's all rebound with better clothes
If you like the way the story goes

The sun still burns the shadows out
And there's nothing to complain about now
'Cause if this was our destiny I'd treasure the fact
And I give you what's left of me if I held back

But I don't need a soul
Oh, I don't need a soul to hold
Without you I'm still whole
You and life remain beautiful
You and life remain beautiful

-Relient k